Different mindsets

My fp just left…

My mind: REPEAT! FP HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!

Haha, early morning mind is being annoying.

Anyway, I was awake earlier so just made some coffee and stuff.. then curled up into bed with him trying to soak up my sun as best as I could before he had to leave.

It’s like being on a beautiful holiday location and you try your best to completely imprint your surroundings and soak up every detail so you can take the mental picture back home with you and with that the whole energy of that place. You just want to take it all under your skin forever.

It’s actually very important to me because I tend to feel easily disconnected from people in general when they are not physically present. That’s why I often just send my fp a message, like a heart or something, because I love him but also to see a response and know that he’s still there. I don’t do that often when he’s working because I know he’s busy 🙂

As long as it helps. Because there are a few things that I need to watch out for, like ending up doing nothing all day feeling powerless and mentally or even physically ill because I miss my fp so much. It crushes my soul. What helps is going against that powerless feeling and actually go out to meet friends. Although I might still feel empty, numb and emotionally non-existent, it’s better to at least see someone or if that’s too much then going outside is a good start.

What also can happen, which is something that doesn’t occur in me that often in the winter.. thank goodness! Is splitting on someone.. unless it’s like a huge trigger that slaps me right into hell. It often does happen only shortly now.. like I can sort of bent it or when my fp triggers me when he’s with me then it’s easy for me to split back or bent my thoughts. Because he’s there and he’s the most sensitive and understanding person I know and he notices changes in me really fast 🙂 Which I loooove so much about him. Because I really dislike ignorant people.

But when he’s not here and I would split on him, that would be more difficult. It can happen when I’m triggered and the pain of loving him and missing him without being able to feel a connection is very intense. When I’m really triggered I can split and turn away. Like turning to the darkside. In a way to protect myself. Until he texts me something sweet and I split back: IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!! How could I ever think negative about you. Oh my god! Lol! Luckely I’m further in my recovery now which makes it possible to mentally fight against the urges to split. Unless like I said, it’s a huge trigger that punches me straight into darkness. But until now I’ve been able to stay on top of it, as I try to remember this imprint I made. Fighting that urge to split is extremely exhausting though. I need to rely on trust but often I don’t even trust myself, so because of that it’s not possible to trust others. There are situations in which splitting happens faster than others. Sometimes I’m not worried. Mostly just when my mind tells me he will leave me. That he will find someone better. Which means anyone. I have to repeat to that voice that it’s a lie and send him a message to feel connected again. Or sleep with his t-shirt or wear his sweater that he left for me 🙂

What can also happen is that I dissociate. Which in a safe way can mean that I’m mentally gone and just sit it out until I’m back. When I’m alone or not, that doesn’t matter. But with someone present it can be easier to come back unless the person isn’t aware of it or is unsafe.

Or I can dissociate actively. Which rarely happens at the moment. But it’s usually being mentally gone while being on the move and doing impulsive and/or destructive things. Which can mean leaving home to wander outside, at times in other cities. Using or drinking. Being with toxic people. Having sex with strangers or having sex to make a feeling go away. Or cutting and stuff like that. Obsessions.. guess that in a deep stadium of obsession I end up here too. This used to happen a lot in the past and ruin my relationships. When it’s winter, and I can still fight my brain instead of being lost inside it, I try my hardest to stay as far away from this kind of dissociation as possible and I keep fighting it even if the blade is already in my fucking hand because I so don’t want to mess things up this time. Also the guilt afterwards is horrible and can make me go there again. Years ago, when this would happen I was completely gone but now I’m still present. Sometimes a powerless observer and sometimes strong enough to break through and try my best to do the right thing until it’s over.

Whatever way I dissociate in doesn’t matter; when I dissociate it’s really easy for me to split, on top of that. Which makes me have to fight both the dissociation as well as the splitting. Which is difficult especially when I’m alone.

And sometimes, I just feel a bit numb but my mind doesn’t come up with unhealthy thought patterns and I can just live normally like any other person. Maybe a bit off or out of place but I can handle that. No need to fight my brain.

That’s roughly the different things I go through or have to keep control over. If I forgot something I’ll add it later on.

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