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Hey, back again 🙂 Writing is becoming a bit of a daily thing now ^^ Wish I sticked to my daily meditation plan like that.. oh well..

Yesterday was alright for the most of the day. I had a downer last night after my fp had left. He was here for a while so the change kind of hit me I guess. We had special moments at times, I went away into another dimension again but for the first time I took him with me. It was pretty intense and amazing 🙂 Although it was so great being together I felt that I really had to be alone.. Like I often say, I’m a hermit. I’m sensitive and I need to be alone to come back to myself and recharge after I’ve been with others for a while. On the other hand the change was difficult and made me feel empty inside. It’s like the last few days there was sunshine and the sun had left so the whole world turned dark. It took a long time for me to fall asleep because my mind just going bleeeehhhh on me.

This morning I woke up to a text message of my fp telling me he was coming over again. In the morning I often feel better than the day before but this text also helped 🙂 I had made more plans for today but let’s just say that the weather was a party pooper. Last night I was so down that I felt like caving the whole weekend. Not that I have been out of the house yet.. but I planned to actually do stuff.. until I saw it was raining.

My fp was here and somehow we ended up talking about stupid diagnonsense. Which made me slightly upset and down. When he left I felt strangly disconnected, sad and a bit cranky. Ended up listening to Avril Lavigne a lot. Her first album ‘Let go’ was my first cd 🙂 I can still sing along every song. I also felt sad because in my heart I feel that the real Avril died after her second album ‘Under my skin’. Literally or not, something changed and it felt like she was gone and I’ve never seen her back the way she used to be. Perhaps that has happened to me too and made me even more sad because I know that I feel nostalgic about the way I once was, knowing that this innocence will never be again.

My sisters boyfriend came over this afternoon, it was nice to see him again and hang out. I slowly started to feel better and came back to reality after a while. Soon he will drive me to the store to get a new tv cabinet for in my living room. The one I have now is broken and annoying the fucking hell out of me for a while. So that will be fun 🙂 Also need some lamps to light up the dark winter days.. There are some stores where they have really cool mineral lamps and arabic lamps, which I think are fucking awesome. I got a himalaya salt lamp in my bedroom and it gives me super relaxed vibes. So glad that I’m sensitive enough to enjoy these little things. To me they are everything.

I’ve noticed that my energy level is going up again. For months I haven’t been eating well. Because I was manic and forgot or didn’t care or because I’ve been depressed.. but now I’m doing my best. It started to get better when I had to take care of my fp and had to cook for the both of us. Now that I’m alone I actually did cook for myself and kinda, sorta enjoyed it. I used to experience my kitchen as this place where I didn’t want to be. With a messy almost empty fridge, no freezer and an oven that is old and that I don’t know how to use and because of that had not cleaned in ages. Yesterday I used my new energy to clean that oven and the rest of my kitchen. Now with my new freezer and cleaned oven everything is there and ready to be used. So made some plans today to start making a few simple favorite recipes that I really enjoyed once, before the whole eating disorder drama.

For the rest of the day I’ve been happily focused on indoor plants.. the ones I have now.. and planning the ones that I would like to add etc. I need to watch out that I don’t focus on it too much. My mind is like…this could be your new obsession… 🙂 Know that is not a destructive one but don’t want to end up being the Dutch Summer Rayne Oakes taking care of my indoor jungle. While turning into some not eating, not sleeping, hyper and obsessed green fingered zombie. Instead of staying sane and healthy. Because seriously, an obsession can be about anything.





Concept: life can be like how it once was and I will have my innocence back..

Layin’ on the couch just,
hangin’ with my boys
we’re chillin’ up the house tonight
I’m being myself
I’m nobody else ‘cause
this is what we do alright
you’ll always find

I’m not wearing any make-up,
won’t hide who I am,
I’ll be what I am
I’m just being honest with my self once again
I’m my only friend

Kickin’ off my shoes
I’m strummin’ my guitar
I’m singin’ songs about my life
if I could tell the truth
I’d tell you what I meant by
me, myself, and I
you’ll always find

I’m not wearing any make-up,
won’t hide who I am,
I’ll be what I am
I’m just being honest with my self once again
I’m my only friend

No more mirrors
no more vanity
give it all away for free
donate to charity
I am happy in my skin
I try, in my heart it’s not the same
you’ll always find

I’m not wearing any make-up,
won’t hide who I am,
I’ll be what I am
I’m just being honest with my self once again
I’m my only friend

Lay on my couch, hang with my boys, chill at my house tonight..

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