Scattered

I’ve been mentally broken down for months and the whole world was watching.

I’ve given more of myself than can ever be put into money. The movies I made last summer, I cannot watch them. I see someone, who looks like me …but doesn’t. And it’s all scattered over the internet. Imagine having a mental breakdown on television. The whole world watches you do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Imagine knowing that there are people jerking off to your mental breakdown episode.. It’s a weird world we live in.

Today, again.. Someone asked me to do things with him, sexual of course. We never talk.. only for this he texted me. I know I’ve made people look at me that way back then. It’s sad that I did that to myself. All these months I’ve been lost and alone in confusion. This empty shell, disconnected from everything. When I get confronted with it now, it upsets me. I just want it to be over. Just want to be left alone.

Something else that desturbs me is that I’ve had people leave me in the past.. because they couldn’t handle me. Made it seem like that was all me and I believed them. Feel so sad that I’ve given so much of myself to people who didn’t deserve me at all. People who left me, blaming me for the fact that they were chicken shit.. When I did porn and stuff they all of a sudden talked to me out of the fucking blue. Just like so many people telling me that I did so good! While actually I was being more destructive than ever. Funny.. that was actually what made them go away in the first place. Fuck off I don’t need your excuses for the way you behaved back then. Don’t tell me your sorry.

I cannot change the past and the only reason why I don’t regret the things I’ve done is because I’ve learned so much while doing all the crazy stuff. It opened my eyes to a society, a world that I don’t want to be a part of anymore.

It’s painfull though because I now feel how sensitive I actually am. Even when I’m not working, not doing things in society at all. Also I’m sad realizing how often I’ve been used because I couldn’t protect myself, physically, mentally, emotionally.. and that just makes it difficult not to hate the world. Once I was so pure and that’s just been ruined. Look at what’s left of it… it’s all scattered in the air. You can even easily download it online.

I’m a nerve laid bare. Switching moods day in day out. Dissociating and reliving my past over and over again. It’s difficult for me to stay in the present, it’s difficult for me to stay in reality, it’s difficult for me to stay connected with myself. It’s difficult for me to feel a connection with people in general, even the people that I love the most. Even when I want to feel a connection with someone it’s very hard to feel it. I still haven’t gotten anywhere in society, there are people who see me as an outsider, a low life with no job, they look at porn jerking off to this girl that is actually this very broken person that doesn’t have a place in society. Because I’m too sensitive and mentally broken and fucked up to not lose myself at least once a year and finish at least one thing that I’ve started.

In this life, I only want to heal. Trying my best every day to stay in the moment, stay connected and true to myself. This life I want to share with my fp and work on staying connected with him and the love we feel. He is the only one who gets me. All of me.

In this life, I want to give love and attention to those who deserve it, the ones I will fight for trying every day to feel a connection with because that is difficult for me and it takes a lot of my energy. To me, the rest can rot right now.

I want to live happily.. and as peacefull and stable as possible. In a home where I feel safe. That I’ve made beautiful and cozy to fit me right. Preferably doing a simple job that I can manage whatever my mind makes me go through. I want to take care of people who are good. I want to take care of animals and nature. Those pure and innocent. The rest can be damned. I used to see the beautiful side of everything, the good in everyone and see where that has gotten me.

6 reacties op ‘Scattered

  1. Reading your blog I feel sorry for what you have been through and the things you have done that you now regret. And to some extent I also feel guilty for participating in one of those events. If only we knew then what we know now, I for one would not have participated. Stay strong girl, you seem to be on the road back to where you want to go.

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    1. Well the build up to becoming manic had already started way before the bukkake party. The bukkake was a very intense experience, although it was a very good and fun one. The plan was to do the bukkake under guidance of a Dom that I played with sometimes but he wasn’t able to make it that day. I heared that only an hour before, so that made the party a bit different than I planned it to be. It should’ve been more about the connection with him but now it was a bit less ‘framed’ (don’t know another word to express what I mean).

      After the bukkake I didn’t took enough time to come back with my feet on the ground and there wasn’t anyone to help out and pull me down. I just went on, planning more intense experience very fast after each other without being able to regroup and process these experiences. Which probably caused me to go deeper into a manic phase until I lost myself entirely, while doing things that weren’t good for me because they were done with the wrong mindset as starting point. If I had done these things while being in a stable mindset, after thinking about the consequences and taking time to process everything before doing the next intense experience it wouldn’t be the wrong thing to do. Then it would just be fun and I don’t think I would regret doing it afterwards.

      Also when I started to do photoshoots and more kinky things, to me the most important thing was doing this together with a Dom to guide me and the connection was all that mattered to me. When I lost myself, I lost connection with people in general which was the opposite of what I wanted. Kink is about connection, that’s what makes it beautiful. So when I look at what I did, I feel like I’ve only gotten further away from my dream to feel that sense of connection. And that makes me sad and without that connection it also makes the things I’ve done just meaningless to me. Maybe when I’m ready and I feel connected with someone that I naturally submit to I’d do more kinky things again. As long as the experiences result out of this connection otherwise it will be empty and meaningless.

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  2. Also, at the bukkake party I met my fp that I connected with very deeply. During the bukkake I was in some sort of trance or at least an altered mindset that shut off my mind, I couldn’t really see what happened and didn’t process everything the way I normally would. It was more primal and instinctive and I really was in the moment, feeling very intuitive and that’s why I felt this connection so very deeply, it was like my soul was connecting with him. Although I didn’t know back then who I had felt that connection with. Only saw that afterwards on the photo’s and through talking with people about the party.

    Feeling such a deep connection with someone I think is very scary. At least for someone who goes through life feeling disconnected most of the time. I’ve got some attachment issues to work on. So that also might have helped me go manic into extremes, to disconnect even more, not having to feel and pushing him away. Because pushing someone away gives at least some control about when someone leaves, instead of having to actually feel my fear of abandonment.

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