I’ve been mentally broken down for months and the whole world was watching.
I’ve given more of myself than can ever be put into money. The movies I made last summer, I cannot watch them. I see someone, who looks like me …but doesn’t. And it’s all scattered over the internet. Imagine having a mental breakdown on television. The whole world watches you do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Imagine knowing that there are people jerking off to your mental breakdown episode.. It’s a weird world we live in.
Today, again.. Someone asked me to do things with him, sexual of course. We never talk.. only for this he texted me. I know I’ve made people look at me that way back then. It’s sad that I did that to myself. All these months I’ve been lost and alone in confusion. This empty shell, disconnected from everything. When I get confronted with it now, it upsets me. I just want it to be over. Just want to be left alone.
Something else that desturbs me is that I’ve had people leave me in the past.. because they couldn’t handle me. Made it seem like that was all me and I believed them. Feel so sad that I’ve given so much of myself to people who didn’t deserve me at all. People who left me, blaming me for the fact that they were chicken shit.. When I did porn and stuff they all of a sudden talked to me out of the fucking blue. Just like so many people telling me that I did so good! While actually I was being more destructive than ever. Funny.. that was actually what made them go away in the first place. Fuck off I don’t need your excuses for the way you behaved back then. Don’t tell me your sorry.
I cannot change the past and the only reason why I don’t regret the things I’ve done is because I’ve learned so much while doing all the crazy stuff. It opened my eyes to a society, a world that I don’t want to be a part of anymore.
It’s painfull though because I now feel how sensitive I actually am. Even when I’m not working, not doing things in society at all. Also I’m sad realizing how often I’ve been used because I couldn’t protect myself, physically, mentally, emotionally.. and that just makes it difficult not to hate the world. Once I was so pure and that’s just been ruined. Look at what’s left of it… it’s all scattered in the air. You can even easily download it online.
I’m a nerve laid bare. Switching moods day in day out. Dissociating and reliving my past over and over again. It’s difficult for me to stay in the present, it’s difficult for me to stay in reality, it’s difficult for me to stay connected with myself. It’s difficult for me to feel a connection with people in general, even the people that I love the most. Even when I want to feel a connection with someone it’s very hard to feel it. I still haven’t gotten anywhere in society, there are people who see me as an outsider, a low life with no job, they look at porn jerking off to this girl that is actually this very broken person that doesn’t have a place in society. Because I’m too sensitive and mentally broken and fucked up to not lose myself at least once a year and finish at least one thing that I’ve started.
In this life, I only want to heal. Trying my best every day to stay in the moment, stay connected and true to myself. This life I want to share with my fp and work on staying connected with him and the love we feel. He is the only one who gets me. All of me.
In this life, I want to give love and attention to those who deserve it, the ones I will fight for trying every day to feel a connection with because that is difficult for me and it takes a lot of my energy. To me, the rest can rot right now.
I want to live happily.. and as peacefull and stable as possible. In a home where I feel safe. That I’ve made beautiful and cozy to fit me right. Preferably doing a simple job that I can manage whatever my mind makes me go through. I want to take care of people who are good. I want to take care of animals and nature. Those pure and innocent. The rest can be damned. I used to see the beautiful side of everything, the good in everyone and see where that has gotten me.