Memoirs

After being super happy and chill yesterday, something changed inside me. Not sure what the reason was but my mood all changed and it wasn’t like I was upset or angry or anything like that. All of a sudden I was a bit ‘gone’ and I felt very deep sadness. A sadness that colored my whole perspective and by that I don’t mean that I was thinking or feeling pessimistic. The whole vibe inside me and how experiences my home changed a lot. Everything became a bit foggy by this sadness. At the same time I felt numb and empty. But not a restless emptiness, just a sad downer which made me really calm and I just wanted to lie down mostly. We were watching a movie but I guess that the movie had triggered me somehow. Maybe I had felt jealousy or rejection or a fear of abandoment because of it. Maybe it had triggered a memory. Anyway, putting the tv off didn’t change anything. It was so weird to go from calmly happy to this sadness all of a sudden. A few moments I felt intense panic, for a second and then it slipped away. Also I felt extremely sensitive and a bit easily irritated. I wanted to cuddle but at the same time I didn’t want to be touched. Something like that.

My fp decided to go to the supermarket to get some ingredients of our favorite cake so we ended up baking and then by doing something fun together I kind of came back. Still spend a few hours watching Memoirs of a Geisha by myself. Which I think is a very beautiful movie, not just the story but the whole set and how everything is filmed, so beautiful and artistic.

The rest of the night I felt really connected with my fp again. Which was a very sweet, pure and intense experience. Was just absolutely wonderfull 🙂

This morning I woke up feeling really good. My fp was feeling ill so I felt like taking care of him again 🙂 Also I went out in the morning to see a colleague from the store again. Was so great to go out for breakfast. She will help me get back to work at the store 🙂 And it was nice to be there for her because she had a bit of a winter dip. She has started a project a while ago. To start a clothing library which I think is super awesome so I offered to help her 🙂 So she added me to the group people who are all willing to support and help her with the project. After going out with her I went to the oldest pharmacy in the city to get some medicines for my fp. I love going to that old little shop. It even has a 16th century figurehead on the building. How awesome is that!

This afternoon was really chill again. Was watching an old documentary about Ayurveda that was fun and relaxing to watch. Because it’s all so peacefull, not like the flashy and chaotic tv shows you see lately. My fp was laying on the couch with me, we were so peacefull. I felt really happy and more pure than I had felt in a long time.

Before I started writing this blogpost I decided to try meditation again. First I did an easy 5 minutes mindfullness meditation. It was easy and went really well. Then I put on some music that I used before while giving reiki and that feeling just came back to me. Was so peacefull to do my old meditation again, I just sat there like.. okay I don’t want this peacefullness to ever stop ^^ Tomorrow I’ll try another short mindfullness meditation.. the second day meditation of the ‘Waking up’ app. Really cool 🙂 Maybe do my own grounding meditation again too 🙂

So far my day was really good, just had a short time of feeling irritated and not so good but moodswings are just part of me that I’m starting to be more okay with lately. It is what it is, so I’m just accepting it more now.

Music: Avalon – Medwyn Goodall

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