Was just emptying my phone because it was full. Had all the pictures from New York still left so thought lets do some last post about the trip. The one who invited me wishes he had never met me so I’m not going to write about all that drama. However, I’m still thankfull for the whole experience. Only shared the kinky stuff last time because I was in Arienh bimbo mode, lol! Actually during the trip I was feeling detached from myself and getting over the love of my life. Which I was absolutely in denial about. I mean, no connection, no pain… right?
Of course getting over someone you do.. On a whole other continent, to get away from everything that reminds you of the one you love.. For example by dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly.. even on a quiet night ‘round halloween.. with a super cute bartender 🙂 Not that I really felt like dancing. Guess that I didn’t drink enough. It was funny though, I really like those dark alternative cafe’s so was a bit like how I used to go out when I was younger but without getting completely wasted.
Although we did some awesome things, most of the time I felt lost and alone in this big city.
And tried to keep myself distracted, out of touch with everything. Keeping up appearances (love that show btw) and smiling through the pain of a broken heart. Not thinking, just trying to soak in all that I saw in New York and the people I met with someone who I thought was a friend who probably had good intensions but continuously triggered my past. So the reliving started to break through this feeling of being detached. Shutting me down even more and making me feel terrified in a strange land with a mind who shows everyone in a negative light as means to protect itself.
Wether or not there was real or imagined danger, I couldn’t tell. There was tension growing as a difference in expectations started to come to the surface.
However we did go to Exxxotica anyway. Where I got a little look into the American porn industry. Leaving me with mixed feelings concerning working in the adult industry. There must be a lot of really good producers as well as really awesome porn girls. Like some that I met there. Rubberdoll, who I’ve been a fan of from a (way too) early age. And I absolute loved meeting Nina Elle and Adriana Chechik and more 🙂
It was a bit sad though that I didn’t get to talk to them that much. I felt like this really dump foreign girl who was just some arm candy, bought and used to show of. Would have loved to actually have real conversations with the girls, when possible of course. At some point it got really crowded. Besides, I was that detached bimbo girl so guess that it didn’t even matter. No one actually would have met the real me.
These pictures with the wig are from going to Avenue Q. The wig was a gift, the perfect gift for giving my disconnected fabricated personality a different face. The show was really awesome, loved it. However I was completely gone. The alcohol helped a lot in that area.
It was really fun, just sad that I was so far gone. Some photo’s show it more than others. I’m not ready to show those. It was difficult for me to speak up about things for different reasons. First of all being detached from yourself or having lost yourself takes away the ability to really sense what’s going on. Also, I didn’t want to feel so it’s partly done by myself on purpose. Holding everything inside, while actually I felt so ready to break after this chaotic summer.
It was also very difficult to speak up also because there is this feeling like. I get all these things, these experiences.. I’m flown in and all the things we did.. made me feel like I couldn’t speak my mind because I felt so thankfull for all that I recieved. It’s not like I ever asked for it all and well probably just being super naieve and too disconnected to think about expectations and consequences of my choices.
The tension and triggers started to isolate and shut me down completely. I wanted to hide, get away from the world. Though, I couldn’t get out of this situation I was in. Feeling scared while having to rely on someone that I was splitting on in extreme ways. When being disconnected from myself I can’t sense my gut feeling. I didn’t know what was real anymore as past and present started to intwine. All the fears you felt in the past, you feel again. So I didn’t know if I should be really scared or if it was my mind playing tricks on me. In this situation, that lasted for days I felt more alone than ever. And I felt unable to trust anyone including myself. Something broke inside of me, I felt it. Like, how I broke in the past. It’s difficult to describe. I tried to cope and mentally resist while the triggers continued and eventually I gave up the fight. It’s a power thing I guess. Dissociating made it possible for me to escape mentally from a real or (by past trauma infused) percieved as dangerous situation. At least I know that the trust was broken, which I much later finally could place when my perspective grew. At first I didn’t know what was real. Of course I didn’t write about that when I came back.
I’m thankfull for all that I’ve got to see and experience. All that I’ve learned from last summer. About myself, about life and people in general. I don’t know if all that I know now is giving me a more positive view of the world and the people in it. Though, I’m glad that now I recognize behavior in myself that can confuse others and distance me from myself. I’m definitely not the girl I was before. It was good for me to see more of the world and to write about this to give myself some understanding while working through processing my experiences. To learn what kind of things I do to deal with things that happen in life. So that in the future I can deal with experiences differently. That there’s a chance of recovery.