Living with PTSD

There are memories in my past that I can never speak of. Not that I never tried. I kind of had to when therapists used EMDR on me, which made the PTSD symptoms a bit less. There were loads.. really crazy insane things.. There still are many. After years I can still only tell what the red line is, though I’d rather not.The most painfull aspects are deeply burried inside of me, even I cannot reach them. I don’t even want to try. There is a shame inside of me, so intense if the feeling waves over me I instantly and without hesitation turn to the blade. So I avoid feeling that in any way possible. It’s not like having a fight in my head about wether or not to self harm. One second of that feeling is so unbearable that in a panic and blind rage I stab myself. And the guilt is so overwhelming that I must act with such extreme self hatred that in a split second I am gone and turn intense and deep rage against myself without any doubt, only to make it stop. 

It’s not my only trauma but one is the most difficult to deal with. It still troubles me everyday, even when I am a hermit all alone. It hides in little things that I do or do not do. To avoid being reminded, to avoid feelings connected to the traumatic event. To avoid situations.. As long as it doesn’t happen again, as long as I don’t have to feel that again, ever. I’ve learned how to mask most of these things that I do, so other people don’t notice. It’s like little sort of rituals or things that I cannot do when there is someone around. Often I even don’t realise when I do this or it has become so normal I don’t notice myself doing these things anymore. I just do it. I need to find a safe place to be. And at times I don’t feel safe with anyone nor when I’m by myself. 

Often I try not to let anyone notice when I get triggered about those most horrible things. Unless I cannot stop my defense mechanism showing up, which causes me to have zero control over my actions. As long as it stops, as long as it won’t happen again, as long as I don’t have to feel it again. Sometimes I didn’t even dissociate, I just got out of the situation on pure instinct. I have no control over it. I cannot dissociate, leave mentally and let it happen again. Unless I am physically unable to do anything about it so dissociation is, yet again, the only option to escape the situation. 

I’ve been triggered immensely by some insensitive people who don’t seem to understand that something they think is nothing, completely destroys me inside… for days. I cannot joke about it but they do of course. They went over my limits too. Thinking that what they did is okay. I was tied down, it’s not like I could do anything to stop you. Does it give you gratification that you could go over my limits? Does it give you some sense of feeling powerfull? And I screamed. Not when I dissociate because of another memory. Yes that happens too, but no.. that’s only mildly desturbing me.

I don’t remember screaming when the initial trauma happened. But I begged. Which didn’t help at all. I begged and begged until the dissociation did set in. But with some others years later, I screamed. I screamed and I stomped the floor as hard as I could out of pure rage, wild, everything consuming rage. You should be glad you had restrained me. I would’ve attacked you. You didn’t know what you were doing to me, you stupid senseless idiot. And you were not the only one. Don’t make me believe that lie you tell yourself about how you didn’t notice what you did to me. How could you not have seen, how could you not have heared?

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