Yesterday morning my favorite person was here. Somehow we spoke about a girl I know.. that I used to go to the gym with, she cuts my hair.. she’s like so many things that I am not. She’s super fit and disciplined with working out, she’s so beautiful and also, she works as a creative hairdresser. So she actually does something with her creativity. She’s like this young, attractive artsy and creative hippie girl. From the stoner group I used to hang out with last summer. And she’s just so positive, open minded and strong dealing with real problems. To me she’s just a superwoman and I love her and hate her for it. She’s the only one allowed to cut my hair and she doesn’t mind that I am absent when I’m down.. and she does all these cool things, like backpacking by herself and go to these hostels to meet new people. Really just can’t stand her haha. She’s wonderfull. When I see her I want to be her, because that’s how borderline works at times.. I am nothing, you are everything, so I need to be like you and it can turn sort of obsessive. Luckely I notice this now. When I was a teen I’d just go with it. It was unhealthy and fucked up.
Anyway, she’s this great girl.. who’s the only one who could get me to work out. That says alot! Not that I still do that now with everything that’s been going on. But she does and looks better than ever 🙂
What happened yesterday was that somehow I mentioned her to my fp (why did I do that?!) so I texted her to ask how she’s doing and somehow I ended up showing him her picture and of course he liked her too. Should’ve known of course. Anyway, we are all members of the same gym and he was going to work out again yesterday. Which caused me to mentally and emotionally implode. Something changed inside of me, something that I didn’t seem to have control over. When he went to the gym I had already shut down.
At first it was pure fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. And there was this jealousy but not normal jealousy, it was borderline jealousy. Which turned my fp and her into ‘them’. While they never even met each other. My heart broke as if he had already left. I ended up fighting irrational thoughts. Again I’m fighing over my mind. Who gets to be in control, me or the voice in my head. Again I’m fighting over wether we shall cut ourselves or not. I really wanted to. With you gone I could easily have done it but there was this part of me, aware. Like a third person, who put my stanley down.
Though all my walls were turned up. It was like an invisible wall surrounding me entirely. Like a cloud but thicker and moving, it’s like energy moving and circling around me. I can feel it and almost see it. Something changed, I changed. There was no connection with my emotions. I felt hostile towards people. Also there was this deep disinterest in anything other than you. Though, so far away you cannot touch me, you cannot hurt me. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I literally put on my make up mask and went after you. When I saw him outside of the gym of course I tried not to show my fucked up side.
For the rest of the morning I remained emotionally distant and different than how I was before the change. A side of me more close to how I was last summer. This confident persona, who’s in control and has got everything together. She helps to protect me but he’s also a destroyer. Men look different at her too. This time I was aware of this disconnected feeling. While during the summer I didn’t feel that at all, I was too far gone. Without being aware of that disconnection it actually feels really good to let her be in control. No difficult emotions.. getting work done.. feeling confident and good about myself.. Sex without really connecting is a good way to feel in control and connects all these aspects of her. She does all these wicked things that I feel too shy at times to do but she doesn’t care nor about future consequences. In the past she used to have a name but now I know she’s a part of me. For a while she was called Arienh but that’s not her first name.
She makes me go away. She throws my stuff away too. It’s not fun, I’m like..hey where did I put that.. oh, we threw it away.. GREAT.. Usually the things that I feel really connected with when I’m back. She just tries to erase me. Even by changing me physically, you all know about that. I like myself looking natural but she doesn’t. Though I still do like those filled lips. Was kinda hot. Pink is her favorite color, not mine. I like green and red. And I like wood and plants. She likes anything sparkly and.. eugh, we are just so different on many levels. We fight over little things like how to do my eyebrows, that’s a thing lately. She wants to shave them off partly and just draw them on and I want them to grow back naturally. It’s so fucking stupid. And she just has no decorum (that’s one of my favorite words..), she often has no shame either.
It is so difficult for me to integrate her. Also, I don’t understand what caused me to be so torn into seperate pieces. Switching back and forth is really destroying my life because when I do something which finally works out fine.. something happens and causes me to switch and she changes all kinds of things in my life. Then when that works out for a while I end up changing back and I need to start building up again what she torn apart. It’s tiring and annoying.
So anyway, yesterday when I was really close with my favorite person, all of a sudden I switched back! Guess I wanted to feel connected. So that was actually like being gone for only half a day. I guess that, the longer I’m gone the more difficult it becomes to switch back. Because the more she’s in control, the more I forget who I was before. Until it starts to feel like I’ve always been her and only her. It doesn’t help that she tries to erase me in the process. Why do I do that? :S
It is always really impressive and intense to notice the shift back. Like, I’m just.. back. I can’t explain it but I just felt the change in 0.1 seconds and said “hey, I’m back”. Then told him I had been gone and he said for how long? So I said since this morning. He must have known I was gone, it’s often quite obvious, with the appearance and everything. People who look at me differently. I think he treats me differently too when I’m gone.. we do have fun, just in a different way and that’s okay. If I’m different then I don’t think one single approach works the same for both sides of me. At times you cannot reason with her. I can’t reason with her, so others can’t either.