Caving

This post will be one of the most difficult to write, because I’m actually feeling really bad right now instead of the almost usual numbness. Thought I’d be happy to finally feel something but this just really sucks and makes me wish to go back to feeling empty inside. The thing is, someone is really triggering me and it’s becoming increasingly worse. I tried to talk to him and change the situation but the message didn’t come across, the more impossible it seemed to change a thing about it, the more scared I became and now that is starting to reach heights that peak through my numbness.

So I planned to do all kinds of things but keep finding myself staying safe inside my house. Yesterday I had to wait the whole day until my freezer got delivered. This I used as a good excuse to stay in and alone. Today I noticed that I couldn’t get out of bed. As long as I’m sleeping I don’t have to face the day. Then I found my phone exploded because I had not looked at it in ages and that triggered me so fucking hard. Now I’m back in The Days, mentally.

Which makes me want to break contact with the whole world and everyone and everything in it. Just hiding in my home like back then in that cave. A part of me feels so guilty about it, it’s tearing me apart. But having to face life including these triggers is just way too much right now. At first I used to block out all the pain and fears with drugs and alcohol but during that cave time this meant that I had to leave my home.. So I only had starvation and cutting. For other things I would have to go outside and the fear of being outside was so great that it stopped me from trying to score. Being outside meant I’d have to be around people. People scared the hell out of me so that was a big no go. This was also the time when my problems with dissociation increased. The first few times that I was aware of dissociating were really scary. At least now I know it will go away. Back then I just lived in one big foggy dissociation 24/7.

I’m just so glad right now that people don’t know where I live and that there are enough heavily locked doors in between me and the outside world. This morning after I woke up I heared something which sounded like someone throwing little stones against my window. I felt so freaking scared until I realised there was nothing happening. Just closed all the curtains. I used to do that so people wouldn’t be able to know if I was home or not. That’s also what makes me so afraid of writing this because now readers know where I am. That is fucking with my head. I don’t want to be found.

My mind is fighting over this: to cut of not to cut. Of course I don’t want to do that. Instead I tried to block everyone and everything out that triggers me so my fear won’t peak to that “I need to cut to survive my feelings” height. That would only lead to: “I’m going to hide here from the world until I die”. Either by starvation or bleeding to death. Guess it’s good that I’m writing instead this time. When I was in my cave I still had the borderline forum, god how I’m missing them. Honestly, would look online to see if there are still people around from the forum on social media. If I wasn’t too afraid to start using social media again. Same with skype.. If I start using these things my hell past will find me soon enough and that can’t happen. When I was in that cave it was so bad that I believed people could watch me through my webcam or any screen even when I wasn’t using it. Had everything taped over and stuff.

This is also the period when I had stalkers, people from my past trying to get into contact with me. Bombarding my phone, coming to my house. People on the street would come to me and tell me that my stalker was looking for me. Didn’t feel save anywhere I went and looked nervously over my shoulder all the time. Then also my dad came to my home when I didn’t want to see him. Why are people so damn intrusive?! Leave me the fuck alone. Just let me die here alone, damn it!

I just want people to leave me alone. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t come over. Don’t come looking for me.

Don’t ask me why I’m not on social media anymore. Don’t tell me to use skype. Don’t tell me I have to pick up the phone. Don’t tell me to text back. Don’t tell me to go outside. Don’t ask me to meet with you. Don’t invite yourself to my place.

I get afraid when my bell rings, when my phone rings, when I get texts, when I get emails.. Like back in the days.

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