A hermit’s family

My mom just came over. To bring me so plants, because I really like some green in my home. Makes me feel relaxed, especially when going through periods of isolation. My mom really has what you call green fingers. She really has a thing with plants so she grew some for me. Sometimes she does that, some of them survive me, others don’t. She said she had to learn how to take care of plants too. What I have noticed is that when I’m hypomanic often my plants have a really hard time surviving. I simply forget about them often and don’t hold on to a watering routine, if I would even have a routine for them.. (or anything…) I also often don’t check on them because I’m too obsessed and hyper focussed on something else. That counts for anything to be honest..

This year I noticed that when I came back to myself all of a sudden two plants that I had considered to be stagnated in their growth suddenly started to grow flowers! They are not blooming yet. It is winter you guys!! I never managed to get those plants to that point! So that’s pretty cool! So I’m giving it another try.

So my mom was here, with my stepdad, my little brother and the dog. (Why are they all here??) For like less than 10 minutes. I was so happy that my mom would finally come over and if she’d bring me some plants then at least I’d given her a reason to come over. Because it seems that she needed a reason. She took a few minutes to explain to me what the plants needed, while keeping her coat on. So I said, do you want something to drink? After my stepdad joked about it, though he was also keeping his coat on. But she said they had to walk with the dog. Why now? I mean, go walk with the dog and come back?? Before she came here I removed some of my pictures from Exxxotica but I think that she wasn’t here long enough to have noticed them anyway. Why did she have to walk the dog now? I wonder if she would’ve stayed if she was alone with me here. But often she comes here with my stepdad or someone else.

Me and my friends know that I’m often not the greatest host but she’s my mom so I guess she should know that and don’t care about it. I’m just so busy calming myself down or focused on my guest that I forget to be a good hostes. And.. because I’m either in an obsession or infatuated with one person or isolating like a hermit I’m not really used to people coming over. As I said in another post, often people don’t come here. Most of the time I visit people, because then I feel more comfortable. Also, I often have problems trusting people because I often don’t trust my own mind, so I don’t meet with them at my place, cause then they know where I live. It usually makes me nervous to have people over in my safe place. I often lie about where I live too.

But it’s my mom.. so I don’t get why she wants to go away from me so soon. It really makes me wonder if I am not open enough. Is my energy not inviting enough. Does something about being in my home make her uncomfortable?

Maybe she thinks that her presence makes me uncomfortable. And although often having anyone in my home makes me slightly uncomfortable since I’m such a hermit, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want her to be here with me. I gladly endure feeling uncomfortable for her that’s not a big deal. The only one who comes over often for some coffee is my sisters boyfriend. Since we meet here or at his place at least once a weak I feel more comfortable now. Just takes time for me to get used to it. Also when I have a favorite person then I am with them alot, also in my home. But when I have an fp then my mindset is different so that’s a whole other story… not that I’m not nervous anyway.

My sister also never comes over but she’s super busy and a few years ago, actually when I was mentally far worse than now, she lived with me in my home for about 10 days I think. The plan was that my sister would stay at my home longer but I kicked her out of my house because it drove me nuts to live with someone. My appartment didn’t feel like home anymore. I didn’t have great boundaries especially then and so I would completely merge with her energy or push her away in an attempt to come back to myself. It was really confusing for the both of us. Although I tried, we lived here with my two cats, I bet they loved the extra attention. I was really too restless for them. Felt restless all the time to be honest. Really did try to like do the fun things you know. My sister would go to work, I didn’t work back then. Maybe I was still in group therapy. Really don’t remember clearly to be honest. When she came back I had made dinner or we would do that together. The fact that she would come back to me and her presence occupied my whole day actually. It was fun to have someone come home to me but at the same time it started to drain me. Now that goes a lot better I think. So I get it that my sister doesn’t come to my place, since I kicked her out, it’s not that I really wanted that, I just couldn’t live with anyone.. but if I asked her to come she would be here as soon as possible. I love my twinnie more than she probably knows. Just like my family and best friends, I think it might look differently but I really, really do love them more than I am able to express to them.

My dad doesn’t live in the Netherlands, so I see him a few times a year. When he’s in my home I become super nervous. Often when anyone comes here I need a little while to adjust to the situation. Whoever it is. I’m often a bit restless, need to calm down but then it’s okay, I become balanced enough to have a fun time together. But when my dad is here I stay restless. What if I do or say anything that upsets him. I either try to please him or make him feel proud of me or something… or I just do and say things that I know will upset him.. at least then I know he won’t appreciate what I’m doing and it doesn’t hurt me when he doesn’t see the effort I’ve made to please him or says something hurtfull. Often when my sister and I meet my dad we go together, often with her boyfriend present as well. When I meet him alone I’m a ball of nerves that he can throw in any direction.

This post will be so long, I’m sorry there’s just so much coming to mind now. Maybe I’ve already written about it, I don’t know. Don’t care.

When I was in my last home in that horrible city, my dad wanted to come over. But I was in the deepest isolation I’ve ever been in. So I didn’t want to do anything. My dad texted me and I responded so he knew that I wasn’t in school where I was supposed to be. Actually I was just rotting away inside in that little house, with my cats. Not taking care of myself, you know like I’ve written about in another blog post. Being in a hermit phase I told him not to come over, a few times actually but he insisted and so he did come over anyway. While I was in a severe mental breakdown and my borderline peaked higher than it ever was in my whole life. You know I write about feeling numb a lot but then oh my god. I felt extremely intense feelings peaking highs and lows, not in a few hours but in minutes. I could have one severe reaction then another completely different severe reaction in no time. It was insane. So I couldn’t stand being around anyone. The only thing that helped was cutting and so I got these white tiger stripes all over my arms now. But my dad did come over anyway.. He wanted to talk to me and triggered a memory I had, taking us a few more years back. When he wanted to talk to me and I didn’t and he called my mom to say that he wanted to talk to me and if I didn’t come talk to him then he would drag me out of the house by my hair and my mom told me to go to him and talk to avoid conflict. So reliving that I didn’t feel that great about my dad coming over. When I arrived he was also in some frustrated, upset mindset. Screaming at me. He had stuff with him, photoalbums that he wanted to dump at my place because he didn’t want them anymore. He screamed at me like; why are you here doing nothing with your life. You should be in school etc. etc. I just sat on my bed crying, completely going crazy inside until I couldn’t stop myself anymore. Opened the front door and screamed at him to go away and leave me alone. Over and over again until he finally left.

And now I’m feeling all warm and my heart is racing again and I feel such heartache. Like I’m in that situation again. Anyway, the fact that my dad lives on the other side of the world makes me feel a bit at ease because I know this won’t happen again all of a sudden.

Hopefully one day things will be different.

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