So I’m feeling a feely feel.. and what it is I do not know… yet?
Over all I feel this fog of numbness, this emptiness inside of me. That I make real when I don’t eat..
There is this restlessness and there is a creative force burning inside of me. That is trying to find it’s way through but somehow gets blocked.
It literally makes me feel hot and cold at the same time. I want to wear my sweater, then take it off, then lie under my blanket, then kick it off of me.
When I try to be creative I feel like it’s not real. I’m perfectionistic and a horror to myself. It feels fake and stolen anyway. I can never come up with something.. so I just stop. It’s too painfull to create because I burn myself down.
Before I have really created something I’ve discarded whatever came together. Torn it to pieces, ran it over, killed it in it’s sleep, checked if it’s really dead.. hoping that it won’t creep under my bed and shoot me dead. Aaaaaaghh!! I guess when you kill creativity it turns against you by becoming a destructive force.
Leaving me feel worthless again. I cannot do anything right. Then compare myself to others and hate myself..
And I go back to restless numbness, wondering if this is all there is. Hate-loving the succesfull artists that I admire. Killing my own creativity.
I know there is so much of it inside of me, restlessly searching for a crack into the walls I locked it in. Scratching me open on the inside until it is drowning in my blood. Hating and raging against me. I kill it dead until there is only emptiness left.
The only craft that seems left is the art of suicide..
But this can not truely be all there is? Can it?
There has to be more to it.