The last few days I’ve been alone inside my appartment a lot. Eating has become less of a struggle and I hear less voices (or bpd thoughts). On the other hand I don’t feel much. It’s not really like depression, because I don’t feel down. It’s this emptiness constantly. Been watching some tv but not really following the story. Slept sometimes too. And I’ve been watching some interesting docus about bpd. Most of what they talk about I do recognise when I look at my past. So the worst seems to be over. When he’s around I do feel so much more though. The emptiness is gone when he’s with me so I feel like an actual person. When he has other plans then I usually do not feel scared.. it’s just that I don’t feel. So I don’t know what’s underneath that numbness.
Right now I’m in my bed. I feel like sleeping a lot. Eating gave me a stomach ache. Made a warm water bottle. I’m a grown up woman lying in bed with a stuffed animal, a warm water bottle and his worn t-shirt that he left for me. And that really does make me feel so much better!! ❤
If that’s what does it for me.. being of meds and not self destructing then I’m happy. Although I am having that isolation thingy going on.. Wonder how it will go when I start doing some structured work again. Add some DBT in the mix.. Hopefully we’ll be ready before summer comes. I’m so curious how next summer will be! With or without losing it. What would a grounded summer be like?! 🙂
Can I actually start to do something creative.. ^^
Did I mention I miss my fp? No? Xx ❤