Reliving

Intense fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are flowing over me like a tidal wave. At the same time, I feel empty and cut off from any emotion. There’s a stone where my heart used to be. My stomach’s up in knots, it makes me feel sick.

Again, I’m not talking to anyone, not eating and not feeling. I don’t feel any connection anymore. If I try to feel then my screen turns all blurry so let’s not do that.

It’s what I do, pull myself back out of the connection, pull myself back out of any contact. Over thinking, over analyzing and rationalizing, anything that stops me from feeling. Sometimes I share on tumblr what I think that I might feel.. but even then, inside me there is nothing. No connection to what I see, what I read, what I hear. It’s all empty and it doesn’t do me anything. I’m an empty shell. Its not even like I’m afraid of feeling numb anymore. I’m so used to it. Often I don’t even realise that I’m disconnected from everyone and everything. At times I’ve done extreme things just to try and feel, at least a little sense of being alive. Or I watch really horrible stuff that should make me feel triggered but still, I don’t feel anything.

When I don’t feel, I don’t feel what I need, what my body needs… it’s easy to go over my limits or someone else’s. Other people also don’t see what I need, because I don’t show anything. My walls are up so high. There is no way to connect with me at all. Which can make me feel so much rage. So much intense rage, that I will, sometimes openly, live out this anger upon myself.

Once it was so bad. It was so bad when he was screaming at me. He was leaving. There was endless screaming. His words just cutting through me. Pressure kept rising until everything became one big blurry haze. Until I lost it. I lost track of time. I think it all happened in minutes but I’m not really sure. I lost track of anything around me. Anything. My mind started to restlessly but single-mindedly plan the attack. I didn’t hear him anymore, I didn’t see him anymore. Actually I couldn’t see further than half a meter in front of me. There was nothing on my mind but this one goal. I had managed to smuggle in the weapon, right under his nose. Hiding it in the bathroom. Then when he walked out I closed and locked the door to shut him out entirely. The energy vibrated so intensly it was soul crushing. It still makes me feel sick and disconnected only remembering this. I took the knife out of its hiding place. The water poured over me when I went into the shower. Raining over me where my tears should’ve been. In my experience there was nothing, no water, no sound, no pain. Only excruciating rage. I pressed my hand against the bathroom wall as hard as I could. Then turned the handle of the knife around in my hand, now pointing at me. My heart was racing, I can even feel it now. Pounding intensely inside of me. Centering all my rage, then repeatedly forcing the knife deep into my arm. Stabbing myself five times. Although I had been deaf to it my screams had caused him to break through the bathroom door. Finding me on my knees in the shower, spacing my brains out as he held me head. He looked me in the eyes but mine looked right through him, not seeing. Holding the knife still in my shaking hand. Blood kept flowing out of me, coloring the walls, the floor.. the pressure was gone, the relieve overwhelming.

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