Anamia

He’s with me again and although it’s difficult for me to deal with my mind, thoughts, memories, feelings.. we are okay, together. I could write so much about it but won’t for now. Just want to say that I’m really trying to do things differently this time. Be present in the moment and feel the connection. Even when I’m scared.

The last few days I haven’t been eating well, like almost not at all. So my body is putting middle fingers up at me.

Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s me trying to feel in control somehow. I’m getting better and do things differently, so perhaps it’s a part of me that is afraid of that. It’s all so new and scary, so I want to hold on to something I know. Something that gives me a sense of feeling in control somehow.

Last night I couldn’t sleep at first, again, even when we were together and I know it is because I don’t eat. So I was lying there thinking. Why do I do still do this? I know perfectly well where this goes if I don’t start to do things differently.

This could become and obsession again, that will cause me to isolate and lose contact with myself and my friends and family. My body will start to eat itself from the inside.. it hurts like hell when you feel your body eat it’s own muscles. I will become unable to keep myself warm and turn into a walking pile of blankets and eventually I will be unable to walk longer than 5 minutes.. again, yay…. It will make me feel small and fragile and little. Eventually I will start to look like a child again but with bones sticking out. Very charming… not… If I go on this way I will hurt myself and by hurting myself I will hurt the people who care about me. The doctor will put a tube through my nose and then I still don’t have any control and will probably go mental, whoop whoop. Let’s not go there..

My therapist said years ago, when I was already struggeling with eating but not yet that extreme, that it’s probably because in a way I don’t want to grow up. Everyone feels that kid inside them sometimes, when you are playing a video game or hear music from when you were younger etc. That’s completely normal and it will give you a good, nostalgic feeling.

My youth, or the feeling that it was safe enough to actually be a kid ended when I was 11 or even before that (I’m not entirely sure). When I was 13 I even lost my innocence. So there wasn’t a period of slowly letting go of my childhood and growing gradually into an adult. When I was an adolescent I had completely lost myself, battling dysthymia and periods of severe depression, addiction and dealing with my borderline personality disorder that started to come through.

So it also feels like that was the opposite of my childhood. Because as an adolecent one part of me still considered the time before the divorce to be perfect, eventhough it wasn’t. The whole family and my parents group of friends fell apart. Everyone seemed to get struck so hard by our ‘perfect’ family to break up. Everyone turned against each other. Birthdays became a burden. Holidays that once were amazingly perfect turned sour. Everything that I believed in as a kid, everything that I believed was right, everything that I cared about.. Just anything was just torn apart, taken away from us, it all felt like one big lie. You could say the ground fell out from under me. Soon I even started to forget my past, like there was this mist that had gotten over my memories. I couldn’t reach them anymore. So I forgot who I was. Who we used to be, because we all changed and turned against each other.

Maybe that’s what I’m re-living every spring/summer. Losing the connection with myself and everything around me. My believes change, everything seems to change. I forget who I am too. It’s confusing.

Anyway, my therapist said that I want to be that innocent kid again. Pretend nothing happened. Probably because I had to let go of that pure part of me all of a sudden. At least, when I was a kid I knew who I was. Although I kept most of it inside. I knew what wanted, what I liked and didn’t like. I knew my limits and did let people know when I had enough. At least in the beginning, until I was a few years old. I see it on the video’s that my mom still has of that time. I used to be wise and had a really strong personality. Just did my own thing, not caring about what others thought of me. Until experiences slowly started to take the best of me. Until I broke. Into pieces that were too sharp to put back together.

I know that, not eating won’t make me innocent again. There is no way to go back to that time. I will never be the same as I was back then. And that makes me really sad. I used to be pure and fearless and it hurts that some experiences or people have taken that away from me, including me.

This morning I got a really healthy shake, with lots of proteïne in it and all the stuff that my body needs. Was feeling really sick at first. Was a bit in a haze and very nauseous but now I do feel a bit better. Really want to accept my past and get over the eating problem but I also know that this won’t happen over night.

Here’s my first favorite album, I still love listening to it so much! 🙂

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