“We”

Sometimes it’s like I have two people living inside of me instead of one. “The Other” I would call it sometimes. It has it’s own voice, own feelings, urges, cravings, needs, interests.. and so on.

It’s like having this annoying colleague that you have to work with in order to function and do the job. When I say “yes” she says “no”, if I say “no” she says “yes”.. It’s a tiring constant battle. It is like playing a game against a computer.. but you get tired of it and lose focus. The computer never does. So annoying!!

At times I’m like talking to myself out loud “stop it!”, “shut up, shut up, shut up!!”. Because it is always telling me to do things that aren’t good for me.

I can walk outside on a good, normal day. Walk past broken glass on the ground and it’s like “pick it up and cut yourself!”. And I’m like… “you can’t be serious..”. That would be the saddest thing ever.

It is always fighting me over something. Last few days it’s been about eating. I spend hours and hours on getting myself to eat something. I’m still fighting over breakfast and it’s already past 14:00. And that’s not just today, that’s everyday, day in – day out. Unless that part of me is in control entirely. Sometimes I’m unaware of it. Then it feels like I finally got rid of her.. that I’m finally able to function without her but actually I got rid of myself. She makes the pain go away. She makes the memories go away. Which makes me want to believe in the dream.

Today I just stopped myself during a battle over something, stepped out of it, looked at it from a 3rd person perspective (that sounds so strange) and it was the weirdest feeling ever!

Because I was just thinking “can we at least try to be on the same page about something?”, “can we for once just agree to something?” And it went like “yes of course! when you agree to self-destruction :)”

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

And when I stepped out of it I thought.. this is me. “We” are not two people. “We” does not exist. Why do I feel like two people? What makes me so devided? How can I unite these two sides of me and make them into one working identity? I really don’t know yet but asking myself these questions is a start I guess??

It is just draining me to fight myself all the time. I spend days at home fighting myself, feeling tired and doing nothing. Live is outside of my mind and I would like to for once really participate in it. “I” as in, me as a whole. If you would let me for once that would be great, thank you!

I don’t even think that it matters what we are fighting about.. it’s just having to fight about something. Just anything. But mostly it’s about doing or not doing something destructive. Showing my emotions or not showing my emotions. Talking about my feelings or not talking about them. Do we open up or build a wall? Do we seek help or isolate? Do we self harm or not self harm.

Today I found my stanley out of it’s drawer again. Sometimes she takes it out, holds it and I’m like.. putting it back again. Think it’s been out for a few days.

I had such a laugh when watching American Horror Story and seeing the Tattler twins. Because these siamese twins just describe “us” so well. It was like a mirror.

Good way to describe waking up from last summer

If I don’t watch out she takes me over and I’m this little voice in the back trying to stop the road of endless self destruction. Then I am the outsider watching her do things that I don’t want. Sometimes she peaks through for a moment, sometimes she’s in control for longer periods of time. I get sucked in and watch the movie. And I didn’t even get popcorn..

There are times that I don’t even feel myself inside of me anymore, I’m not even the voice in the back of my head. I’m just gone and she’s functioning. Until I wake up and everything feels like a dream and I’m running after her cleaning up her mess.

Sometimes people met me in a time when she was active and have made up their minds about me and then I’m back and they don’t know why I am different all of a sudden. I can be really convincing because I myself am convinced that I’m just me completely, because if I don’t feel one side of me then there’s one me right? I just believe that I finally have made it.

Sometimes people get upset with her and leave and then when I feel both sides of me again I’m like.. but you didn’t even meet me, not completely I mean.

Hopefully one day “we”can just feel like “me” and I can actually start living my life in peace.

5 reacties op ‘“We”

  1. I don’t know you and we will probably never meet, but I must say that I really admire the bravery and unflinching emotional rawness you are bringing to your postings in the last two months.

    And especially this one, because this feeling of “seeing yourself from the third person” is in my experience one of the most invaluable ways to become a more integrated person.

    Until you hear your own mental dialogue — until you can listen to what you are saying to yourself as though you were an observer — you can’t start to shift it. Shifting that internal dialogue is definitely possible! But it can’t begin until you hear it for what it is.

    I also see a connection between what you’re saying here and your recent post about your family life, which looked lovely on the surface but was full of turmoil and anguish for you below the surface. That is *exactly* the kind of childhood that can lead to the sort of splitting you describe, because you have to avoid showing what you actually feel and who you actually are. That literally forces you to dis-integrate.

    You seem to be seeing this, and learning about its effects, very actively now. I hope you are able to continue this trend. It will continue to oscillate between the two sides of you, but the more clearly you can see that oscillation for what it is, and the more compassion you can have for both sides of yourself and how they have each helped you survive in different ways, the more likely it is that you can reintegrate them both. Maybe never completely, but certainly more than at present.

    I’m not sure if you read these comments or if this is too much for a stranger to share, so feel free to delete this if it is not helpful or not welcome. If you leave it up I will take it as a signal that I might continue commenting in future. Your process is of course really none of my business, but as I said I really admire your candor and your emotional honesty, and it makes me want to support you as best I can.

    Liked by 1 persoon

  2. Thank you, that is good to know. I am not a psychotherapist but I will strive to keep my contributions positive. And I encourage you to consider the amazing power of compassion towards yourself, or even yourselves. How have your two selves both, in their own ways, helped you survive? How are they no longer helping you to do so, and how can you, with gratitude, begin to allow their less helpful aspects to fade away?
    This may sound strange, but I recently read a book, “The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up.” It is by a Japanese woman who really does an amazing job of looking at tidying up as an *emotional* process. How can we say goodbye to the physical objects in our lives that no longer bring us joy, but that we still cling to out of fear of the future or out of hunger for the past? This is a huge issue for people, and (though she does not say this) it goes for emotional baggage too. Her method includes thanking — literally thanking — the objects you choose to discard, because each of them in its own way taught you or helped you somehow. It is an idea I had never considered before, and it seems very powerful to me.
    I would also encourage you to consider a meditation class or practice. I hear you describe a lot of exhausting inner turmoil and I have great empathy for that difficult situation. In my experience meditation is *entirely* about giving you time and stillness to listen to your inner voices and to observe them. In my experience, the more you can observe those inner voices calmly, the more you realize that they are not you, that you are more than them. And that can help them be less demanding and confusing. It may be worth a try, anyway.
    Good luck and strength to you in your journey.

    Liked by 1 persoon

  3. Lol I have to admit that tidying up is something I already do. Often when one is active and then I wake up later out of that mindset and I’m like… nooo why did we do that? That’s usually when I stop feeling myself as a whole, one part is suppressed deeply. And the mindset I am active in tries to literall make space in my house. What it feels like to me at the time is that I finally found myself completely and make changes in my home, my friends, my job.. everything got touched last time.
    Then when I fall back out of that and become me as a whole again I notice that I don’t feel comfortable in my home anymore or in my skin and the things I did in the months before. So I had to integrate everything in myself and my home. My appartment feels like home now but that took a few weeks or months..
    I had to forgive myself for the things that I’ve done. Repair relationships, let go of unhelpfull contacts.. create structure in my life again. Mostly rest a lot while rediscovering myself. And then there’s all the memories that suddenly come back. And processing the fact that I had lost myself again, being aware of the consequences and try to climb out of feeling hopeless about the future. Because the most scary thing to me is losing myself without being aware of it.

    Bet meditation will help with this on many levels

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