Sometimes it’s like I have two people living inside of me instead of one. “The Other” I would call it sometimes. It has it’s own voice, own feelings, urges, cravings, needs, interests.. and so on.
It’s like having this annoying colleague that you have to work with in order to function and do the job. When I say “yes” she says “no”, if I say “no” she says “yes”.. It’s a tiring constant battle. It is like playing a game against a computer.. but you get tired of it and lose focus. The computer never does. So annoying!!
At times I’m like talking to myself out loud “stop it!”, “shut up, shut up, shut up!!”. Because it is always telling me to do things that aren’t good for me.
I can walk outside on a good, normal day. Walk past broken glass on the ground and it’s like “pick it up and cut yourself!”. And I’m like… “you can’t be serious..”. That would be the saddest thing ever.
It is always fighting me over something. Last few days it’s been about eating. I spend hours and hours on getting myself to eat something. I’m still fighting over breakfast and it’s already past 14:00. And that’s not just today, that’s everyday, day in – day out. Unless that part of me is in control entirely. Sometimes I’m unaware of it. Then it feels like I finally got rid of her.. that I’m finally able to function without her but actually I got rid of myself. She makes the pain go away. She makes the memories go away. Which makes me want to believe in the dream.
Today I just stopped myself during a battle over something, stepped out of it, looked at it from a 3rd person perspective (that sounds so strange) and it was the weirdest feeling ever!
Because I was just thinking “can we at least try to be on the same page about something?”, “can we for once just agree to something?” And it went like “yes of course! when you agree to self-destruction :)”
And when I stepped out of it I thought.. this is me. “We” are not two people. “We” does not exist. Why do I feel like two people? What makes me so devided? How can I unite these two sides of me and make them into one working identity? I really don’t know yet but asking myself these questions is a start I guess??
It is just draining me to fight myself all the time. I spend days at home fighting myself, feeling tired and doing nothing. Live is outside of my mind and I would like to for once really participate in it. “I” as in, me as a whole. If you would let me for once that would be great, thank you!
I don’t even think that it matters what we are fighting about.. it’s just having to fight about something. Just anything. But mostly it’s about doing or not doing something destructive. Showing my emotions or not showing my emotions. Talking about my feelings or not talking about them. Do we open up or build a wall? Do we seek help or isolate? Do we self harm or not self harm.
Today I found my stanley out of it’s drawer again. Sometimes she takes it out, holds it and I’m like.. putting it back again. Think it’s been out for a few days.
I had such a laugh when watching American Horror Story and seeing the Tattler twins. Because these siamese twins just describe “us” so well. It was like a mirror.
If I don’t watch out she takes me over and I’m this little voice in the back trying to stop the road of endless self destruction. Then I am the outsider watching her do things that I don’t want. Sometimes she peaks through for a moment, sometimes she’s in control for longer periods of time. I get sucked in and watch the movie. And I didn’t even get popcorn..
There are times that I don’t even feel myself inside of me anymore, I’m not even the voice in the back of my head. I’m just gone and she’s functioning. Until I wake up and everything feels like a dream and I’m running after her cleaning up her mess.
Sometimes people met me in a time when she was active and have made up their minds about me and then I’m back and they don’t know why I am different all of a sudden. I can be really convincing because I myself am convinced that I’m just me completely, because if I don’t feel one side of me then there’s one me right? I just believe that I finally have made it.
Sometimes people get upset with her and leave and then when I feel both sides of me again I’m like.. but you didn’t even meet me, not completely I mean.
Hopefully one day “we”can just feel like “me” and I can actually start living my life in peace.