Restlessness

Before I can start my day I’m going to write about this thing that I went through yesterday. 

Had a really chill morning with my sister and her boyfriend and then went to my best friend in the Hague. I bought him a present; little plants to hang from the ceiling.. he has a cat 😉 His new home is really nice! Felt really at ease there.

Anyway, was there not even an hour I think and then I got a text message which I didn’t expect at all. It sort of struck me, not knowing what I felt. Was really glad to be with my friend because my mind became really distracted. Eventhough I tried to be present in the moment.

At first the restlessness made me more energetic.. made more jokes and stuff and laughing a lot. Think Reel Big Fish helped with that too 😉 Then we had dinner and watched Coco, a new movie by Disney Pixar. It was too difficult to focus on a complex movie.

My friend listened to me, all my stories from the last few weeks. Was just there, made me laugh or just let me sit quietly with him. Wether I wanted to sit in is arms or felt distant again. It was alright. Guess he knows my attitude can change a few times when I’m processing. I’m usually a real introvert but he seems to see the changes in me anyway and just gives me the space to go through everything and we talk when I feel able to. 

After the movie I still felt restless and I felt like: I need to go home now. I need to go do things at home, to make it feel alright again. (Got the next few days off… no need to hurry you would say..) We were standing in the livingroom, had put my shoes on and was almost ready to go. We hugged again and I thought, what am I doing? 

Am I going to rush home now? I was so happy to come here and finally see my friend again. He knows me since highschool. Was with me during and after my first relationship. When I went through that trauma. When I was reliving, when I was dissociating. He was there when I was with the neighbours, even came over there to visit me when I was living in that hell hole. He was there when I was addicted and roaming the streets, also when I was getting clean. When I lived in my first home and got depressed there.. when I was in therapy.. Also during the big mental breakdown.. when I was a zombie because of heavy antipsychotics/antidepressiva. And when I was skin and bones, fighting anorexia. Also stayed when I pushed him away or didn’t contact him because I had some obsession or became hypomanic. He’s still there waiting on the sideline until I come back to myself. He was there when I went through a crisis and when I was on drugs or drunk. When I fell in love, when I struggled trying to be in a relationship, when I went through break ups.. 

We were laughing yesterday about how many times I’ve punched him in the face when I was drunk and then said sorry immediately after because I just had no control and really didn’t knew why I did that. We were laughing about how I get loss of decorum when I’m hypomanic and he would remember me about those things I did and we’d just laugh about it. Like, do you remember that time when you called me all of a sudden that you wanted to come over because you were nearby but I was going out with my friends and you were wearing practically nothing but went out with us anyway.. Loss of decorum is a thing. Or when I also wore practically nothing at the birthday party of his girlfriend, showing my skin all open again too and then when I was drunk even punched a friend of them in the face. As a bonus on top of how embarassing my behavior already was. I’ve done so many crazy things. Went out with him and his friends later on anyway when I was coming down in the winter, they aren’t mad at me. Guess they know me a bit now too.

So what was I going to do now? Rush home because I felt restless? Being alone in a state like this? You know, restlessness becomes worse when you act to it. Worst case senario it grows out to dissociation, a crisis, panic attack and so on. So what would I have done? Go home? Or get mental on the way back and go somewhere else? Or do go home and maybe try to manage my restlessness with something destructive? I wanted to chill with my friend and now I’m running off? For what? To do what?

So I said, can we have another cup of tea? While, a few minutes before I said that I really had to leave.. Of course that was alright. When we sat down I told him what went through me. First he asked if he had made me feel restless and apologized but I said that he didn’t, that it’s just inside me. It’s the same kind of restlessness you feel as an addict. You just need to mend that feeling, usually with something even more intense, so you feel a sense of relieve, a sense of feeling in control but it’s only temporary. Often leaving you with shame and guilt over the way you dealt with your feelings at the time.

When I sat down with my friend, talked, chilled with tea and just processing what happened I calmed down and eventually did go home but not because I felt restless. Of course I was also welcome to stay there and go home the next day.

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