Amsterdam

Alcohol got me awake in the middle of the night. Not wearing glasses because I left them at home. Im on my sisters couch now. Not because I had a crisis. We celebrated her finishing her study so went out with her colleagues. I’m so proud of her! My sweet, perfectionistic book wurm! I love her so much.

It was celebrated in Amsterdam. In some 5 star hotel bar, way more fancy than the sky lounge. Really beautiful. Was there in my Tool shirt, jeans and Vans while everyone was dressed up fancy. Lol. Don’t care..

I try not to compare myself to my sister but it’s difficult. When you are twins people compare you from birth and will do so forever.

It was difficult for me to be in Amsterdam. My mom and stepdad met with me on central station so I wouldn’t have to be alone there. The beginning of the evening was difficult but later on it went better. Just was constantly thinking about him at first. Being in Amsterdam is a huge trigger. I started the evening being dissociated mentally. My body ached, muscles hurt and the heart ache. It was so present, the physical pain. My heart feels so broken it just makes me sick.

I kept focussing on being there for my sister. That’s who I was there for. Gave that love to her. Which feels better than feeling so much love that I cant give to someone who doesn’t want it.

Why does my heart feel all that love for someone who doesn’t want me? Who doesn’t even want to see me anymore.. He told me to stay away from him. Why can’t I just be angry about that and let my love go. That would be much easier. I hope he is mad at me for coming to him all out of my mind. At least that might made it easier for him to let me go. I know it was a respectless thing I did but I couldn’t stop myself. It’s like getting sucked in and becoming an internal viewer of your own life. It’s horrible. Anyway, guess it doesn’t matter now. Can’t take it all back. I’m just really broken and I feel so intensly, so much love that I don’t know what to do with it anymore. At times it drives me crazy and I’m sorry about that.

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