Today is already much better than the last weeks. This morning I went to the city to have coffee with someone like minded. Who understands my mental struggles in one word. I felt really supported. We walked outside which is good for talking but also just being outside, walking in the park. To be in a different place, not isolated between walls. We will meet more often and I feel really thankfull. It was still difficult to keep my mind in the present but managed to keep it together. Also, felt really shy but also felt safe enough to be myself. Okay, then I’m shy and silent sometimes. That’s okay.

After that I went to the store I used to work in and saw my ex-colleagues again. They were so sweet and happy to see me. Even some costumers who recognized me asked me if I didn’t work there anymore and asked if I would come back. Actually I had been thinking about that. They were there for me too and gave me hugs. One colleague gave me her phone number and said let’s meet some time so we will go have a coffee on a thursday. Maybe next week. The store manager was smoking outside so I walked by and asked how he was doing and also said that I might want to come back for a few days because I miss the structure that a normal job gives me. Actually I miss being in society and not being somewhere on the edge of it. And I miss my colleagues as much as they miss me.

My mind is programmed in a way that makes me believe that I’m always alone, even with other people. It’s sad because there are so many people actually there for me. Who like me the way I am. It’s just that I am blind to it because it’s difficult for me to feel connected to people around me. Probably because often I am not in contact with myself and because of this I can not really connect with those around me. Which makes me feel lonely. But I am not alone. It’s just my mind and that’s a sad thing. 

If I contact my job coach then she can help me get back in the store and in society. Maybe just a few days. So it’s not too much for me. Also I want to go to the bird shelter again. Probably shouldn’t have stopped doing volunteer work there. It brought me so much peace and helped me connect with animals and in that way with myself and my colleagues. I was really good at my work there and it made me feel good to contribute to nature and do something good for another living creature. Think I’ll just drop in some day soon when they are having a break from work, for a coffee. See my friends there again and make the step to go back a bit smaller. I also miss the hard work, physically. Really enjoy to work hard. Really ran my legs out from under me during the summer time there. It was insane but so good for me. Became a bit of a teacher and guide there too for other people who worked there, was fun.

During the christmas period there is also a little spirituality fair organized by the couple who teached me reiki and a lot of other usefull intuitive skills. Going to check when the fair is and go there. It’s always a lot of fun. It’s in the back of an old Dutch brown café. Really small and cozy. Will meet people again there who I did trainings with, it used to be a little community. Would be nice to see them again. Maybe I can start doing something with my intuitive gifts, cause now I’m not and that’s a waste. I used to be a medium and it used to give me a good feeling to help other people out this way.

Just called my reiki Master to make an appointment. We will meet somewhere next week. He said: it’s good that you come over for some reiki because your mind feels super chaotic. Anyway, looking forward to go meet him next week.

Next week on friday I  have a shoot with RopeMarks and Me-Chiel. Will be great to see them again. The shoot with RopeMarks have always been my favorite by far. Plus, being in bondage works so damn theraputic for me. Zen…

Tonight I’m golng to be there for my sister and celebrate an important next phase in her carreer. Will be fun. My family will all be there. 🙂

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