Slowly memories are coming back to me, so I will write about them. With every blog post you’ll discover a bit more about my past and you’re not the only one.
Last few days I’ve been talking to someone who has similar difficulties and it really makes me feel less alone. Guess some people are just wired differently. In the past I used to be on a forum for people with borderline but I couldn’t find it anymore. Maybe that is for the best, for some reasons. But it makes me wonder how they are doing. I know that one quite well known girl of the forum jumped in front of the train while I was part of the forum group. It was so horrible, there is no way to describe it. No one saw it coming, she was an amazing girl, I just hope that there wasn’t another member lost and that resulting into the forum being shut down. Sending all of them my love right now. ❤
Perhaps she had lost her lover, that is usually a huge trigger. With me it is. I think that having borderline as a diagnosis and calling the crisis help team, saying only that you broke up with the one person you love should be enough to get under surveillance..
In the past I’ve had the emergency service district team coming over for weeks. The first time was because my school had called them or something. What I remember is that I didn’t leave the house anymore, only to buy food for my cats, around the corner. Didn’t leave my house for weeks on end. Was just lying in bed, with my cats in that tiny, horrible cave of a house. It was small and had two tiny windows on the front but that was it. It was my first house, I was happy with it because I was off the streets but it would overflow once or twice a year when it rained too hard. It had single glass windows, so it was always cold and you could hear everything in the building, it also had the front door immediately at the street. So people who stalked me there (that really happened) could just bang on my door and hear me. I would just freeze and hold my breath until they left. When I left that city I told no one where I went to. If anyone asked in which city I lived I just lied. Now, in my new appartment, you have to go past heavily locked doors before you can reach me. Besides, I almost let no one into my apartment anyway.
So I was staying inside that cave for weeks. Becoming a complete hermit. Didn’t check my phone. Not taking care of myself. Only sleeping, smoking, self-mutilating and starving in that cave. When someone from the district team came over I was so fucking scared that I dissociated my fucking brains out. Pressed myself into my couch as far away from this strange man as far as possible. Not knowing if I should look at him or look away, he made me so fucking nervous. I almost fainted so they had a women come to my home the next time. I hated her and wanted him to come back but also didn’t want him to come back.. like, you are nice to me are you my Daddy? Hmm????? Not that I knew back then what that was.
The other time I saw him was when I went to the closed department to see my best friend at the time. We were always together. She just was unreachable all of a sudden and I found out that she was locked up there. He came over to us when we were talking to check if she was okay. She was so doped up from the meds, it was like she wasn’t with me anymore. I saw him and I was so scared, I don’t know if I even said hi or just froze up and stared at him with big eyes, holding my breath until he went away. Or I went away, not sure. Another time when she wasn’t responding to my texts for weeks I saw her again in a wheel chair, she had been in a coma after a suicide attempt and couldn’t walk anymore. People not responding all of a sudden for a long period of time scares me, I wonder why..
I think they put me in group therapy after the emergency service was over and that’s when I met this girl. And others of course. It was crazy. Remember that my mind made my therapist into my fp.. oh my god! That was strange and kinky in a way, lol!
The second time I got crisis help was when I was at a friend/sort of family member. It was after a break up and I had tried to hang myself. Instead of breaking my neck I was fainting. She came to my house, her house actually. She’s the owner. She called them when I was dissociating my brains out and then that went further into being in shock, so she called them. I cannot describe how that feels, it is terrifying. Like you feel every negative emotion at once but amplified to the max and beyond what you thought was possible and you don’t know how to get from one second to the next. They just gave me a lot of pills and zombified me. Unto the point that I was still too restless inside to sit down but unable to really walk so that was fun. I walked circles in my moms backyard, took me like half an hour to make one circle. I had some friends visit me but after less than half an hour I couldn’t take their presence anymore. Thanks for coming over but I’m too unwell to see you.
Now I’m with family and off meds, I had a crisis peak for about a day. Came out of that myself. So that’s pretty good 🙂 My family is quite relaxed about it because they know this is nothing yet.