Just got back home. Already contemplating my end while I was just a few miles away from my mom. I’m horrible. Tried to talk with some friends but there is this barrier of not being wired the same. Making me feel like a burden, that I’m too much or just not taken seriously. Guess that just means that we’re too different.
Next week I got all kinds of plans and being this depressed I’m thinking, for who am I doing this? Also, some photographer wants to do explicit content with me. So I said I don’t want to do that kind of shoot right now. He said: what if I pay you for it? Dude, what the fuck didn’t you understand about what I just said? We will never do any kind of shoot no more.
Just like this photographer I don’t shoot with anymore because he put his fingers inside me while I told him that I didn’t want that. It was when I just started out doing photoshoots. I didn’t even do porn at all back then. He had tied me down for the photo’s and I was so fucking scared that moment. Who do you think you are? He’s still asking me to shoot with him again some time. What the fuck do you think?
Or like when I was 15 and someone wanted to make photo’s of me, he was 25, we were outside and he raped me in that field. He’s a street artist, I see his work often in certain areas in the Netherlands. He made one picture of me afterwards, not sure if I still got it on a computer somewhere but I don’t feel like looking into empty dead eyes anyway. Someone was wearing a t-shirt with a print he made on it. Bet he didn’t know that he was wearing a shirt designed by a pedophile. Took my ex aside and told him that it triggered me, he responded like it was nothing. I was ruined again and again at that stupid birthday where I felt like a fucking alien.
It’s not new that I feel like there is no place for me here. It’s like I never belong anywhere.
Perhaps tomorrow will be my last shoot and perhaps this week I will have my last date.
Actually my mind is deciding on wether to keep my skin clear for the plans I made or not to care because I want this to end anyway.
The future seems hopeless to me. It doesn’t feel like anything will ever change becauve I’ve been trying for years. Yet another way too make a fool of myself. Yet another lover too afraid to stay. I want to die. Though I know how difficult it is to go against nature. To succeed instead of just making things worse or making it unable to try again. To suffer in a lifeless body, again.
Though I feel like never belonging, I never have. And I don’t see how anyone would want to be with me for anything else than what could be bought. Not anymore. I want to be freed from the burden of life.
Music: Journey Through Pressure – Katatonia