Past & Present

Sometimes when I’m at my moms I go on her computer to look at the past through photo’s or I go through old photoalbums. To make some sense out of things that happen. Simply because I have huge time lapses, times that I don’t remember. When I do remember them because I see the pictures, the memories don’t stick. It’s more like, I see this on the photo and it’s me with my family but I cannot really connect with what I see. And soon after I see the pictures I forget them again. Also I don’t remember when things happened. It’s all mixed up and not really chronoligical up in there.

What I did notice is that I always look different, dressing up different. Often I look like a complete idiot and I really, really can’t stand looking at myself on the pictures most of the time. That’s why I don’t have many at home. Also on so many photo’s I am dissociating my brains out. How I can see that? Well I see it in my eyes. I’m an empty shell, not really there. Also I don’t recognise myself on many pictures. This person looks like me.. but doesn’t. Sometimes I’m dissociating so hard that I look stoned out of my mind. It’s aweful. 

My mom sorts out her pictures on years and months.. there are periods that I clearly am never around. Not on holidays, not on birthdays, never. Probably the times when I was on drugs and never home or when I was so hypomanic or depressed that I never saw my family either. When I look at photo’s from before I was 11, when I was still innocent and seem to be myself mostly.., when I’m not dissociating and not broken yet.. It looks like that’s from a past life that I cannot relate to. Everything looks perfect, happy, a picture perfect family. Can’t imagine that it really was like that. That would be unrealistic. Though I cannot remember the bad memories, also not many of the good memories. It’s all one big blur. Everything fits but it doesn’t fit. 

Having problems remembering my past, going through so many changes all the time and having almost no sense of my own identity make it really difficult for me to find stability in my life. You could say I live very in the moment because I don’t remember much but on the other hand I really don’t live in the moment because I am dissociating my brains out and I am still so deeply affected by this unclear past that it ruins my life in the present.

Luckely I don’t see only sad memories, not at all I mean I’m also happy and smiling a lot. Often it’s like.. I’m not there or dissociating, having a breakdown and you see me in recovery and still dissociating a lot.. then some better times, really happy oh my god who is this person.. breakdown and recovery again, 

And I’m like.. give me a break.. I don’t feel like a pattern so deeply rooted in me will every really change. I will always go through phases and episodes, endlessly losing myself and finding myself again. Creating until it becomes destructive, then re-creating again and so on. It’s like endless rebirth. Again and again and again. You either find that beautiful or horrible.

I don’t think any partner will enjoy being with me because of this aweful cycle. This is just the basic red line but it’s far more complex than that. It’s difficult for my family too but I’ve noticed that they also start trusting in the fact that I will always get out of a phase and go into another which is easier to handle. They don’t go out of their mind anymore when I relapse. At least these are the times when I am often not out of touch with reality. My best friends know this cycle too, they support me, wait until the mania is over and welcome me back after. I hope there will be a lover one day who will stay with me, even when I’m mentally gone and when I come back and recover. Often people can only deal with one of the phases, not well with the others. I hope that there will be therapy to help out and that for once some love will last.

Music: Cold Souls – Drab Majesty

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