It feels like my life is slipping through my fingers. Looking back scares me. When I look away from what I’ve done, I forget that things can go terribly wrong and that’s just the perfect situation for my problems to increase right under my nose while being blind for it. Going through pain, guilt and shame is the burden and consequence of my own actions. The last few months I’ve been so euphoric because I was blind but now I see myself crystal clear and it hurts. That I have been so difficult and cold and hurtfull to the ones I love.
Often I wish for people to have met me in a different time of my life. Sometimes I’m healthy and doing the normal day to day things easily, taking care of things.. and I wish to meet the people who saw me crazy again. Hi, I’m not a monster and wishing I could’ve been different to you. A better person, to love you the way you deserve. If I could just stay that person, that healthy and sane person. Just long enough. But it always slips away. At some point. So I build this wall around myself, my heart. I turned cold and distant. Shutting you out. Isolating myself seemed to be the only thing I could do to spare you and me so much pain. Pushing you away and conciously chosing loneliness. I’m sorry for being so cold and distant. Everything inside me screamed, I love you, please see that I don’t want to be this way. Just wanting to hold you and share my love with you.. but I stood there like a cold ice queen. Completely frozen. It was like this dream when you try to run but you can’t move. Just drowned in my love for you and killing us.
It’s either ice or fire and both hurt. Can I ever make this right?
Today I heared that it might take a year before I can get specialised treatment. My hope sunk through the floor. Not that I had much of that. I’ve been treated for about 10 years. Maybe not specialised but.. seriously, I thought these problems were in the past. But you opened my heart the way it never was for the last half of my life. Knowing that I killed us is just too much to bear now. I hope you believe in afterlife. That there will be a day when we’ll be better. And I hope to make it until then. That I can fight this demon inside me, ‘cause I wouldn’t want to miss it.