Just came back from going to the bar with one of my best friends. Want to point out the positive fact that actually I have quite a few really good friends. Eventhough I don’t see them as often as I should. This includes family of course, this weekend I plan to go to my mother, and my step dad, and I will let her burry me in her motherly love. She doesn’t always understand me but she does the best she can and I love her so much. We are very much alike actually.
It was good to see my friend again. We smoked a cigarette together, I didn’t have to say anything but the fact that he saw me smoking said more than a thousand words. When we left the bar I left the last of my cigarettes behind.
This last time, I will write to you directly. Finally found the strenght in me to let you go. I let you go because I love you and want you to be happy and I wish you all the love that you deserve, even if that doesn’t include me. I am proud of you for chosing for yourself and I respect your choice. I don’t think that I have ever loved anyone as much as I loved you, perhaps that will fade, maybe it never will but only faith will decide wether we belong together. You got my heart, always.
So, what I do know is that it always seems that I have to hit rock bottom, before I can come back to myself. Like all these months of oppressed craziness just has to find it’s way to the surface. To get it out of my system. I know very well that this isn’t the last of it but for now it is. That doesn’t mean that this home doesn’t feel empty or that every wall does not scream his name. Though, I know that I can take it.
This morning BukkakeMadness and I decided that it’s better for me not to go through with my bukkake party. I don’t think that it will contribute to getting balanced right now, since it is a very intense experience. Also I do the work dates that I like to go on or if I don’t feel good enough I just pass.
It would be better for me to rest, see my family and friends. About two years ago I used to work at a bird shelter nearby, for 1,5 years and I became quite good at that. It gave me peace of mind eventhough I worked as hard there as I have never done anywhere else before. It was such a good feeling to give my love this way. Feeding all the little baby birds. Maybe I’ll go back there, I got a lot of friends working there too. I stopped because social security pushed me to go have a real job again. I liked my colleagues at the store but honestly, working with customers.. people I don’t know, just terrified me and I still find it quite unpleasant. I guess I’m sensitive like that.
Blogging really helps so I will keep on writing, might be good to look back and see the progress I’m making. The cycle I’m going through each year, so I can learn and understand my triggers or signals. I’m happy that there will be therapy again, even when it takes a year to wait for it. At least when I’m in therapy my loved ones, who are closest to me, won’t have to deal with my difficulties alone. I understand that this is a lot, especially in relationships. I think it’s best for me not to get into a relationship without getting some professional guidance.
There are more things that I really liked to do but stopped doing because of becoming hypomanic. For example psychometry, it’s one of my gifts and also I used to give reiki. It might be good to help people out this way where I can. Besides.. it still facinates me. I also look forward to be more creative with my photography/modeling and I might start to draw again. When I was younger I used to draw for hours on end, it’s so relaxing! I think I’ve got like one drawing left on my computer that I will include.
Eventhough I want to get better, I’ve got this dark side of my soul and it would be so great if this would become a creative force again, instead of a destructive force. Like it used to.
If you follow my blog to see some ass or something then I must dissapoint because I actually prefer to focus on inner workings instead. But if you are curious to find out who I am, then sure follow my process. I’m curious too.
Music: Simple Death – Chelsea Wolfe