Lately I’ve had increasing negative thoughts, destructive thoughts. Maybe that’s called intrusive thoughts. Don’t think it’s like hearing voices but on the other hand, it’s not what I really want. So I keep fighting these thoughts the best as I can. The more I get triggered over time the more the thoughts increase, the more visual my mind becomes. Over time the thoughts become stronger, even though I put them aside, ignore them, argue with them. I’m fighting this battle with my demons, fighting over my mind and the things that I should or shouldn’t do. Some past blog posts show what kind of thoughts I can have. After writing about them I’d park them, put them away. Silence them. Moving on until the thoughts come back.

Having to go to Amsterdam, near you, was just too much. It was like asking for trouble. Trigger upon trigger. I don’t know at which point I lost the fight. The destructive thoughts took over my mind and I become this small voice in the back of my head saying that I shouldn’t do what I am doing. Just go home. You shouldn’t be here. You’re out of control. You’re crossing boundaries. But I’m already gone out of reality. I’m taken over, far away.

I hear myself saying “I’m sorry” and it’s not because of the past. I’m sorry for being here. For this situation. For coming here. For scaring you. For crossing boundaries. I’m sorry for being unable to control myself. I’m sorry that you have to deal with me in this state. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry that you have to see me like this. I’m sorry for being me. I’m sorry for being alive.

If I can’t be my own, I’d feel better dead.

Music: Nutshell – Alice in Chains

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