Last night I’ve been going over what happened yesterday, again and again. What happened in my mind. Why couldn’t I stop myself. How do I feel about that now? I had it all figured out but now I’m not so sure.
I had reached my lowest point in ages. On one hand I want to write about, on the other hand I scare myself and others too. Plus I’m ashamed of what I did.
I’m still here, alive. And I’m with family now. Recovering from yesterdays crisis. Still off meds and not dissociating. Not going to work yet. I’ll try to write about yesterday when I’m ready.
One fun thing from yesterday. I was in Amsterdam killing some time until I had to go to P&G292. And I was on my way to Episode passing a library. I look inside and saw this good looking metalhead type of guy. Long wavy hair and all. And we had this eyecontact. Then another time, looking exactly the same moment. By the third and last time we were both laughing. I thought of going inside to say hi but I was too shy and walked on. Besides I’ve been hurting the people I fall for, at some point. But actually I’m done hurting so I enjoyed the smile and the fact that this happened. Normally I’m blind to these kind of things. Anyway I moved on started to walk faster and got my mind back into that dark cloud in no time. At some point I looked nervously over my shoulder. Straight into the eye of someone looking a lot like the library guy. But I felt scared and turned my head feeling like I was followed. Got a bit paranoid for some time and distracted myself at the Episode. When I walked back the same way I didn’t see the guy anymore. Maybe it was him. Maybe not. A stranger scared me by flirting with me. At least he made me smile when I was down. That was fun.