Identity

Feeling so fucked up waking up this morning but got to see my doctor at 8:30. Yeah; I did that yesterday.

Wonder who I’ll be today. That sounds weird right? Last night I wrote about identity disturbance. Or at least a bit cuz it wasn’t a clear writing.

All I can say is that it’s so annoying to go through the changes over and over again, unable to settle. Always roaming and searching. Like when you are a teenager. You experiment until you find a core inside yourself. That core gives you sense of self. Which keeps you balanced, it is your anker. Hope I spelled that right. Anyway.. some people don’t have it or don’t have enough sense of self, of who they are. They don’t feel that core.

Mentally I have learned what sort of belongs to me as a person. Looking at my past. The way I see myself influences the way I view the world, how I interact with people. The choices I make. My work. It touches everything. And this can change, often when I’m under mental stress. Hey, traumatic memories how are you?

Naturally I’m going through changes. Less often over time but I’m never sure that I am really me completely. Saying that.. if you see the bigger picture, whatever changes I’m going through each and all of it is who I am. Someone who inhabits more than you’d ever imagine. Changing to let each side come out, some time. It’s not always conciously done. Especially not during my summer high, at this period of time I am convinced that I know myself. This breaks down slowly when autumn comes. At first this was much more difficult for me. I’d be confused for a long time after the change. Trying to make sense out of it but there isn’t. I just have to believe that, if I cannot feel that anker inside me that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I will only become aware of it when I seek the balance in myself. When I’m calm in myself and all the chaos and noise stops. Looking for it on the outside usually makes the problem worse. Seems logical.

I think it’s more important to just be instead of being someone. Because I don’t know who that someone is today or who that someone is tomorrow.

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