Got a letter send by my doctor to get into the system again. She asked me why I wanted to go in therapy again. So I said something super logical. “I’ve been different for a period of time and now I am back. Who ever that is. And as a bonus I can’t seem to hold on to men.” Sums it up quite well.
We had to fill in a form and we went through my diagnonsense and she mentioned one I totally forgot about. Which is funny because I notice it when I am not going through a phase of obsession or haven’t like lost myself. It’s called Dysthymia. It’s like mild but chronic depression. So it’s like always feeling sadness, as if the sadness is just a part of life. It doesn’t mean that I am always pessimistic but most of the time. Not concerning the situation of others, I love to make others feel better. Maybe that is because my own sadness. “Hi, my middle name is Gloomy.”
The reason I forgot about it is just because it’s so normal to me. To feel a bit heavy on my shoulders. Also, got like almost no appetite. I just get hungry once or twice a day but that doesn’t even mean that I feel like eating. I make a lazy anorexic. Talking about lazy, often I feel like I’m lazy because I don’t have much interest in daily activities. Always I feel like I just got out of bed, with or without coffee.. There is not much energy for me to do a lot of things. I live a bit isolated and haven’t got much contact with people around me, even my friends and family. It is difficult for me to send a message and say, “Hey, let’s hang out.” So I spend most of my time by myself, which I don’t feel sad about anymore. I’m used to being alone but this does give room to grow obsessions in my mind and results in addictive behavior. But… when I’m obsessing over something I have a lot of (restless) energy so it’s a bit like self medication when it comes to the dysthymia..
I just totally forgot this thing, lol. That’s funny. I just thought that the world was eighter, super great, amazing!!! Everything is going so well! Oh my god, I am great too, Everyone loves me. Look at me and see my happiness. I feel so passionate and love what I do and know exactly what I am doing and where I want to go. This is me and my life is GREAT! I don’t have time for my friends because I have to do all these things NOW! And I am not mentally ill, I am exactly who I want to be and all my dreams are coming true! And I love my life and this new thing will bring me to even greater heights and this next thing will give me even more fame and power and that is just so fucking amazing!!
Or.. Okay, now I am tired and the world is crazy and I don’t understand why I did all that. And I am even more tired now. How could I have done all these things and I miss my family and my friends. All my dreams feel old now and I don’t know who I am anymore. All my previous believes don’t make sense to me anymore. I don’t feel them anymore, the passion is gone, I’m not productive and the ground is fallen away from under my feet, trying to hold on to anything that I know. All the pessimistic thoughts have come back and I craddle my heart into the only feelings that I recognise. Sadness. What happened the past few months feels like a dream to me. It’s not real to me anymore, cannot relate to it anymore. I see myself on pictures and what I’ve done and I don’t recognise myself anymore.