Habits

Just got back home and writing again because I have nothing here now and I’m too afraid to go outside and go look for you like some fucking crazy person. Used to go do that and that’s just so sad. Or I’d just walk outside, no matter the weather and walk for so long feeling restless, empty and cut off from everyone around me like some ghost never belonging. 

Just need to keep myself here, keep here inside. Try not to do all that crazy stuff just cry it out. 

At least if I hurt it’s in my own control. I feel it in my bones. Pressure rising, close my eyes. Lost in my own paradise. Blowing my paper in that bar, sickening. Going to that house to get hit up and become rape meat.. You’re gone and I got to stay high all the time, to keep you of my mind.. 


Seems to sum it up quite well actually.

Writing this piece of shit took me hours already and it’s not working. Trying to do the right thing and all. Could do with some going rock bottom but actually got a shoot tomorrow and working the rest of the week. BUT FUCK GIVE ME THAT DOPE.. eugh! Kick me out in a ditch after you blew my fucking brains out. At least it would feel known to me. 

Going to some cold, illegal techno party in the middle of nowhere, get completely waisted on ghb and m until there is only nothingness and being an inch away from od-ing in that field cuz your meds work so well with that stuff. Get picked up from the party and get a complete mental breakdown, just begging to be released from this pain and heartache. Then go hang on a rope, kicking that chair a few days later. Wow, the good times you guys, seriously. Following my best friend who dissapeared all of a sudden until I meet her again, now in a wheelchair all cut up and unable to walk. Yes baby. Bad things happen when people leave, I swear. 

Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spent my time
Loosen up their frown
Make ‘em feel alive
Or make it fast and greasy
I’m on my way to easy

Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you

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