Dreams

In my dreams I see you and I never want to wake up again. Wishing my life was the nightmare I’d wake up from in your arms. Your strong beautiful arms holding me, protecting me. Like a wounded bird I curl up against you. Hearing your voice, your comforting voice telling me that it was just a bad dream. I feel your warmth. Your breath. The way your chest moves slowly when you breathe. I play with your beard like I always do. Look at you. Seeing your beauty. Seeing inside you. I lay my head against your chest. You feel me now. Finally I show myself. Fragile, weak, sensitive. Feeling so small. My skin is so thin when unprotected. Every touch amplified. And I let it. For you.

All this time I’ve been protecting myself. I’m so closed. My walls are so thick. When I open the door and see you there I’m all nerves. Trying not to let it show. Wanting you to hold me but I’m too afraid to say. I want to hold you, kiss you but I can’t. Couldn’t break through my own walls.

I want you to touch me even though I’m scared. Although my body and mind responde like I’m in some memory. Just want to go through all that for you. Until we can really be together. Until the walls are gone and the memories are gone. And it’s just you and me.

When you leave I’m like a sick puppy. Waiting for you. Thinking of you. Dreaming..

I’m not even fighting it anymore. Like I used to. Just accepting that I’m losing it. Because I would go through it all for you. Not fighting or hiding this time. Give myself to you. Completely.

I was so fucking close to complete surrender. Like I didn’t know how to anymore for years and years.

Now I will just believe in dreams. Like you showed me.

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