Clearly have to write a lot lately. That’s what I need at the moment. Made a new tumblr account today. The link can be found on sensingsubmission. There is no text there, only reblog stuff. Whatever is on my mind. Cute, goth, sick.. whatever. Just no kinks yet or kinky dynamics because that still hurts too much for now. That’s why I’m not on other social media at the moment. Also made a honest new profile text. Short one tho.

Tumblr helps to make the shift from a lot of social media to only my blog a bit less extreme. I got time on my hands now and my phone is super silent. Tumblr gives me a bit more to express myself with and fills in that time a bit but I don’t get like responses and stuff. My past tumbler accounts are deleted.

Eventually I didn’t go out to do crazy stuff, no drugs, no alcohol, no going to people uninvited.. Just crying, mainly yeah. I’m getting better at this but it is just as painfull. If I don’t control my mind and myself then I’d be going that destructive road so damn fast.. I’m trying to find some balance. I did text him but he won’t get the message so it’s more like a bandage for myself. Just like blogging actually. Later I will sleep on his side of my bed and wear his t-shirt and that must be enough so it won’t turn too weird. I’m trying to acknowledge the fact that I still have these difficult borderline thoughts, I blog about them to let them go, not to actually do it. Also I still feel the impulses but I’m really trying to find some limits for myself. On tuesday I have to go into Amsterdam so that will be really difficult for me, controlling my impulses.

Singing, writing, crazy tumblr posts, messaging to thin air, wearing t-shirt.. Ok.. Going to look for him, calling, roaming outside, drinking, using extreme impulsive stuff to not feel anymore.. not ok. I eat less again and weird stuff at weird times but I am not entirely starving myself so that is also good, the best I can do for now. I’m trying to find that middle ground. I’m working again but only do threesome dates for now. So I work less but there is less work pressure too. It also means that I am often with my colleagues this week so I am not alone all the time. They were so sweet, hugging me and being there. Luckely I managed to keep it in mostly. I only cried when he send me that last message. I hate crying with people around. At first I just felt that stone on my heart that still lies on it and I got all numb but I managed to feel again eventually.

Tomorrow I’ve got a doll shoot planned, with latex and high heels.. hope that it will help me express my creativity and give me positive energy. Without feeling the pressure of having to be a certain way. I might be more unsure about myself and more shy but at least I’d be more real and pure too. That’s good, even for a doll.  

Within two weeks I’m doing my second bukkake party with BukkakeMadness. I’m a bit nervous because this is where I met my Daddy, or well.. fuck it. He still feels that way to me so. Anyway, just went through the pictures of last time. It looks so intense. Hopefully we will get into that vibe again. I will bring my stuffed animal again like last time to hugg with afterwards. That usually really helps to get my feet back on the ground. Hope you all are looking forward to joining or seeing the photo’s we made. 

Here’s me being sleepy on the way back after my last bukkake party 😛

Love you guys! Xx ❤

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