Unowned

Why I should be kept as some sort pet, slave or object by an owner..

Well it seems that for long periods of time I lose my mind and do all kinds of outragious things and spiral out of control with my obsessions and don’t listen to anyone who tries to reason with me.

I bet keeping me inside with proper training.. making me obey the rules with pain, fear and mindgames would do it. Clearly I’m too stupid to make decisions on my own.

Seems that I’m unable to be a good friend and don’t take care of my relations at all. I really am a horrible friend and don’t contact people, ruin relationships… Best to just keep me away from all that. You’d do others a favor.

The only thing I am good at is destruction. I’m filthy and I should never have control over my life. Things will end bad and I will hurt others and myself.

The only thing I can do is serve. I am nothing and feel the best when I’m reduced to nothing. I’m sick and tired of going on like this. Without an owner who makes me feel safe and free. I’m scared.

Whatever you create out of me after you break me, which probably isn’t that hard to do, is better than what I am now. I don’t even know what I am. I have never known and even though I try to find or become all roads lead to nothing but destruction and depression. Fear, guilt, loneliness. And to get used by people.. I seem unable to protect myself. I can’t do this alone. If you create me, protect me.. I’d feel safe and whole. My life would have meaning. I would have a purpose. To serve you. And I’d be so happy and thankfull to do so.

This world is too overwhelming, I can’t take it anymore. It makes me restless to live without the structure of rules and punishment. At least I’d feel comfortable because I would know the rules and what happens when I don’t obey. You’d make me feel secure.

You can hurt me if that amuses you. Without you I end up doing it myself anyway. Not even on purpose I’m really horrible at taking care of myself.

But you know, I understand if you wouldn’t be interested in having someone like that in your life. You’d get sick and tired of me.

Een reactie op “Unowned

  1. I am sorry you are still feeling badly and having bad thoughts about yourself after your recent realization and last post.

    Unfortunately a master can’t necessarily fix your wondering who you are and your difficulty being kind to yourself or others.

    You are carrying a large burden of shame and it seems you are trying to face up to it and deal with it somehow. I hope you are able to get the help you need to do so, and to find a way to live in the world that is not so confusing and challenging for you. And I hope no one takes advantage of you as you seek.

    Like

Geef een reactie

Vul je gegevens in of klik op een icoon om in te loggen.

WordPress.com logo

Je reageert onder je WordPress.com account. Log uit /  Bijwerken )

Google+ photo

Je reageert onder je Google+ account. Log uit /  Bijwerken )

Twitter-afbeelding

Je reageert onder je Twitter account. Log uit /  Bijwerken )

Facebook foto

Je reageert onder je Facebook account. Log uit /  Bijwerken )

Verbinden met %s