The wall

So here is it, this thing living inside of me. My mind tells me that writing about it is bullshit or dangerous but I’m not listening. It’s probably trying to hide itself again.

Yesterday I did my last self defense training. For the last day the organisation hired a man to practise on. To come as close to a real situation as possible.

Which actually caused me to mentally break from reality. I felt it building up inside me when we did ground techniques. I saw this man, who was actually super professional and respectful, hold another girl to the ground. Explaining the technique to escape and it made me feel so upset inside. Wishing I had known this when I needed it. Why don’t we learn what we need when we are young?

It was my turn now so, gathering my mental strength, I walked a bit unsure to the center of the room and got on the ground. Lying on my back waiting.. That I willingly would let a man hold me to the ground.. He got on top of me pushing all his weight on my arms. My eyes locked with his as I tried to remember the technique we just went through. My mind blurred eventhough I tried to focus. I took my time and threw him off. Afterwards I tried to threw off the fear that crawled up my spine. The fear that used to paralyse me.

The training went on while I tried to shake off the memories that used to haunt me. The memories that I locked away. Far away, almost forgotten. At least that’s what I thought.

For the next excersize we would be grabbed and attacked. I waited my turn. I knew it would scare me but that I could just fight my fears and get it over with.

He came at me, provoking me to hurt him and I tried. Batteling my memories and trying to stay there in the room. He kept coming at me, grabbing me by the neck. Freezing me up completely. I couldn’t move. I don’t remember. Just staring into space, eyes open wide. Thrembling as my muscles tightened up. Fighting to mentally stay in the room. I turned away from him to get out. I ran off but he grabbed me by my arm.

Now standing over me. Locking our eyes. I felt so small. Looking up at him like a deer caught in headlights. I felt this cloud completely surrounding me, paralyzing me. Panic got a hold over me. Blanc and empty mind. My throath tightening up. It felt almost like fainting. I was gone and had left the room..

His weight is on me and I cannot breathe. Moving, I try to move. I’m fighting. I’m fighting on the inside. There is no such thing as time. The fear grows inside of me, paralyzing me. I’m moving, am I? Am I? I’m begging, I hear myself begging. Now becoming a voice in the distance. A whisper far away. Please, please get off of me. There is panic in this voice. There is hope silently slipping away, out of this voice. Out of me. Get out of me.

I remember the wall. My hand next to the pillow. A hand lying next to my face. I try to fight. I tried to fight him off. I’m fighting inside this body. That paralyzing prison of a body. That I am locked in. I remember the wall. It is white, it has a rough texture. The wall lurs me in. I want to hide in there. Escape into the wall. Leaving this place where I feel entirely powerless. Leaving the pain. The fear. The shame. This disgusting body. Sink into the bed, hide into the wall.

I observe the last battle. The last fight. The last attempt to move my dead heavy limbs. The last begging sentenses. The last panic striking me. The last words in my ear.. saying that you got to finish what you start. The last battle before my light dies out. That was the last moment I felt my innocence. From that moment on I was no little girl no more. I felt all hope die inside of me. I gave up the fight. There is no way for me to get out of here. There is no way out.

Breathe in deep, a sea of desperate dreams. I have no mouth but I must scream.

I had left. Now looking down upon us. The wall and this vision of us lying there, intwined. Visions crashing into each other, fading into one another. I see him stealing it away from me.

There is no such thing as time. There is no memory of future events. Or is there? Oh, I remember. The pain, the shame. It was me. Disgusting little me. This horrible thing. This terrifying dreadfull thing. Never to speak of again.

He told be I am ugly, that I’m disgusting. He told me it was me. It was always me. And I believed.

I’m in the bathroom now. I’m in this house that used to feel like home. With people I love, though I cannot say it. There are no words. No way to talk about this thing. This skin used to be my own. This body used to be my own. My innocence is gone.

For the first time I lock the door. Even if there is no one home. I lock the door.

Sitting in the shower. The water flowing over me. Warm water. That cannot warm my skin. I’m frozen to the bone. There is no comfort here. There is no way to wash away this sin. And I cannot get his scent off of me. And I cry. My tears fade into the water flowing endlessly. I’m unclean. I’m filthy and I can not get his scent off of me.

What happened to that little girl that used to dream of one day ruling the world?

It’s all my fault. I have clearly brought this upon myself. I have this thing. This deep, dark sin. I feel it flowing now. Warm comforting streams. Taking me away. Fading this pain. This pain I deserve. I’m punishing. I am punishing me.

Mamma? Pappa? Can you see me now? I’m caught inside myself. I’m lost. I’m a sinner now. Without dreams. I’ve got no hope left for this world. It’s dark in this place. There is no warmth, no comfort. No love.

So here it is. He was my first. My first love. My first everything.

And I’ve been angry. So incredibly angry. I hated the world. I have hated this place and everyone in it. I have hated myself most of all. Never ending anger. Wishing I would have had the strength to stand up to him. I hated myself for not standing up to him. I hated him, feared him. Loved him. And I hated that I loved someone so cruel. So it must have been me. All along. I hated myself for not leaving him. And when he left me, eventually, I died inside. I died a thousand deaths. And I hated myself for it.

Een reactie op “The wall

  1. This kind of realization is so hard. I hope you can eventually find clarity, healing, and release from this burden of guilt. Good for you for having the courage to see this and to write about it so bravely and passionately.

    Like

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