This is the third and last morning before work, for this week.. and I'm having a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings because I'm clearly processing a lot. About all the things I've done last summer but also things that happened when I was younger. Mostly sexual things so it's not like it is always [...]
Want to write something now because I'm out of the darkness for a moment and I have been writing so much while being deep into that black pit.. Work went well yesterday. My colleagues and costumers were friendly.. I was friendly and calm.. that helps. Best to remember that work can make me feel better [...]
Got this weird feeling in my head. It's not really a headache but doesn't feel so good. Had some extra water but it's not helping. This morning I woke up feeling depressed again. The same as how I went to bed. My fp went away again, this time for a few days in a row. [...]
If I pretend to be only good for one thing.. then it doesn’t hurt that people only want to use me for that one thing. I can pretend to be in control and I won’t feel like a victim ever again.
This morning I have been so deeply depressed. On one hand it's like crippling, paralyzing depression. On the other hand there were all the borderline feelings, that sensitivity that makes me feel triggered almost without a reason. A glance in the wrong way, a difference in attitude, a change of plans, not noticing something or [...]
Yesterday my fp brought me to the store for my first working day. He put pigtails in my hair in the morning, I'm not allowed to wear it loose at work. The whole morning I had been nervous and restless and I didn't really feel like myself.. for as far as I know what that [...]
The emptiness I feel everyday made space for such deep sadness. This morning I woke up with it and it clings to me.. whatever I do. It's a nostalgic feeling. That I try to hold on to through going into little space. Which at times is a relieve but at the same time it hurts [...]